A group of nuns are very upset about a common phrase using
their organizations namesake. They were especially resentful when Gordon Gee
(Commissioner at Ohio State University) commented that in the Big 10 football
conference “We don’t play little sisters of the poor,” obviously implying that
nuns who are part of this organization are weak and unathletic. Sister Mary
Katherine has been on a mission to prove Gee wrong, but Ohio State has yet to
contact her. “They just scared” she said in regard to the apparently closed
line of communication.

Another institution, however, had said that they would be
willing to play up to three exhibition games against the LSP Holy-Rollers. Bryant
University, which will be Division 1 in all sports next year, had agreed to participate
in exhibition games in Football, Basketball, and Ice Hockey.

Two of these exhibition games have already been played,
with, depending on who you talk to, shocking results. The Football squad beat
LSP, but not without a fight from the Holy-Rollers who behind QB Sister Mary
Katherine scored 31 points on offense. The LSP Defense however could not
contain Jordan Brown (can any defense?) who scored 4 TDs of his own. A late 4th
quarter field goal clinched the exhibition victory with a final score of 34-31.

The Men’s Basketball team however was not so lucky. Despite
playing just hours after losing a heartbreaker against the football team,
Sister Mary Katherine and her the LSP Holy-Rollers competed the entire game and
led for much of the first half. While the Bulldogs came out blazing in the
second half, Sister Eva forced 17 turnovers by herself. Junior Guard Jeremy
Ball said “it was ridiculous, they lull you into a false sense of security and
then bam, and they play hardball like it’s nobody’s business.” The Holy-Rollers
held on for a victory 65-58, with Sister Mary Katherine scoring 24 pts and 11
rebounds and Sister Eva collecting 12 steals and 13 assists.

Bulldog faithful Evan Moorhead reminded us that “We only
appear on sports media for losing, this is our niche”¦” This defeatist attitude
is all but entirely contagious as the basketball team really stinks.

Sister Eva said this “I just want to thank God and I know he
has a plan for us, we just wanted to prove ourselves tonight and we showed we
can roll with anybody. We showed our toughness tonight. You hear me Gordon!?”
Gordon Gee was not available for comment.

The LSP Holy-Rollers are set to play the Bryant Bulldogs in
Ice-Hockey in a few weeks on November 26th 2011. One thing is for
sure, the holy-rollers are not a weak athletic club. They look forward to
booking Ohio State. “I guess we’ll just have to work our way up to that. Know
this: We will beat the buckeyes!”