Last Thursday night, Rick Santorum showed why he’s a master of logic by pointing out to New England College students that, “if it’s ok for two men to marry, then it must be ok for three men to marry.” Although this seems like a stretch, I assure you it’s basic “if p, then q is gay” logic (I learned this during my sophomore year at Syracuse in the class PHI 222: De-deductive Reasoning).
Santorum has recently drawn ire from students across the nation for his stance on homosexuality as analogous to polygamy, which, again, I assure you is completely sound (PHI 223: It’s Descartes, not Gaycartes). It’s no different than comparing apples to…well, gay apples. Which are different right down to the core (har!). Santorum has also said, “I resent people saying my analogies are ridiculous. I don’t make analogies. Because ‘analogies’ has the word ‘anal’ in it. And if you have anal sex, you might as well register your penis as a citizen of Utah, convert it to Mormonism, and marry 29 Yorkshire terriers.” (This is the result of the contrapositive of “If p, then q has sex with multiple canines.”)
Santorum’s latest rally against all things gay has turned to his new nemesis: the internet. The internet is the Lex Luther to Santorum’s Superman (Update: January 9, 11:03 am: Rick Santorum does not approve of being compared to Superman. Superman wears tights. And tights are gay.) Santorum’s war on the internet began eight years ago when sex columnist Dan Savage created a site to provide a new definition for ‘santorum.’ The page is still the number one search result on Google.
Many people have asked why Santorum didn’t ask his team to simply improve his SEO, something that even gay people know how to do (and they don’t even know how to find a partner of the opposite sex!). On Monday, he explained why he did not take action.
“The internet is gay, and I will not support homosexual behavior in any way,” said Santorum. Santorum then announced his pending lawsuit against the internet, which involves millions of counts of “blatant homosexuality” and one count of the (first degree) murder of the sanctity of marriage. The lawsuit also calls for the removal of the Santorum definition page, the double rainbow video (rainbows are gay), and Google.
