Year after year, the students and faculty at The University of Missouri expect the Greek community to dominate Homecoming festivities. This tradition was finally put to rest in the wake of a totally sick dorm Homecoming barbecue at Defoe-Graham Residence Hall.
Defoe-Graham’s residents, and those from surrounding dorms, were polled prior to the event, and the general consensus was that it would be “really lame” and “awkward.”
“The only reason I stepped out of my dorm because I wanted to mooch off of the hall government for some free food,” Defoe-Graham resident Blake Winnfield said. “I ended up staying for the whole thing. It turned out to be pretty sweet.”
The courtyard within the two connected buildings fostered something dorm life had never seen before. Hundreds of people gathered to taste the world-class barbecue, with each plate cooked personally by Gordon Ramsay. Next to him was an open bar stocked with only the finest liquors, spirits, hookah, and Cuban cigars.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers, 50 Cent, and the remaining members of The Beatles also played sets throughout the evening. Greek and off-campus residents alike poured in, yet there was also a distinct lack of townies.
“I can’t believe how well this turned out,” organizer and PA Andrew Hunt said. “My dad kept telling me when I was growing up that I would never amount to anything. I hope now, after this, he’ll finally love me.”
These festivities, however, did not come without complaints.
“Those dicks totally stole our thunder,” Alpha Sigma Sigma president Rick O’Neill said. “They think it’s hilarious to rub it in our faces that they can get ‘direct funding’ from the university. Ugh.”
The Greek community was not the only group to voice such grievances.
“The noise was out of control,” Chief of The University of Missouri Police Department John Warburton said. “So was all the blatant, university-sponsored underage drinking. Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t do anything about it—it just made me feel a lot worse about being a shitty cop, you know?”
The courtyard the following Friday morning was littered with bottles of Glenlivet and Dom Peringon, broken guitars, toppled grills, and countless passed out people on the ground.
“I woke up and remembered that the college weekend doesn’t start with a day off,” one half-dead student said. “I stumbled to class, but my professor didn’t care, because he was there, too.”
“That whole thing was the best thing that’s ever happened to anyone,” he added.