At Saturday’s sports outing, many of you were too consumed by the events transpiring on the field/court (or quidditch pitch) to notice that students from your rival school, the most hated of all schools, claimed that your school, in fact, “sucks big, hairy dick,” and that their school, despite losing the game, “could beat your school’s ass even if [the players] were seven years old and had cerebral palsy.”

These harsh words may come as a surprise to many, most of whom were so engrossed in the game that they failed to notice the student from your rival school chanting that your best player, “has herpes” and screaming that he “plays like a little bitch.”

Regardless of the fact that your team won the game in blowout fashion, this other school’s athletics director has gotten behind the movement of mocking your school’s athletics program, indicating that he believes that any sports team at his school “could whoop [your team’s] ass” and “leave [the team] walking funny for weeks.”

Some of you, sources say, even confronted students from the rival school, asking quite intelligently, “If you’re better, why are we winning?” or politely pointing out, “Scoreboard, bitch!”

But to no avail. Those of you who tried to reason with these rival students only received more taunting, or even violence.

Sources say that there is, more likely than not, no way to reason with this rival school, that no matter how badly you beat them, they will claim to be superior.

In the past, one school has had success in getting its rival to admit defeat. In 1978, Stanford University blew out Johnson University, only to hear, “Stanford sucks!” chanted repeatedly. Stanford students, at a loss, took up a chant of their own: “Safety school!”

Students from Johnson University, after being shown that their school did have an inferior average SAT score and an extremely high acceptance rate (by some Stanford students who prepared for such an occasion and had the data on hand, complete with a PowerPoint slideshow) immediately dropped out of college and became sanitation workers, and Johnson University was no longer an accredited university.

So there’s always that option.

On a related note, Syracuse is going to destroy Cornell tonight. It’s a fact.