In a shocking turn of events, frat bro Jimmy “J-Bone” Sullivan declared last week that he generally prefers drinking Bud Light to Natty Ice. The comments caused an uproar in the bro community, where such a statement is the real-world equivalent of saying that The Event is better than Lost, or that Snooki “isn’t that annoying.”
Several members of Mr. J-Bone’s fraternity have begun a petition to remove him from the bro community, citing his actions as “extreme heresy,” and calling him “totally un-bro-like.”
“I don’t even know who he is anymore,” said John Beneditto, President of the Bro Community. “It’s like, one day he was totally chill and the next day he just became this huge boner who was, like, totally”¦not chill.”
Despite the commotion caused by his statements, Mr. J-Bone has defended his beliefs.
“What’s the big deal? Bud Light is a sweet bev. It’s totally chill!” adding, “I still like Natty, it’s just that I’d rather get my bro on with a Bud.”
Upon hearing this statement, several bros removed their visors, turned off the Jack Johnson CD playing in their living rooms, and took deep breaths to contemplate what to do.
“This is honestly the most unchill thing I’ve ever heard of,” said Bro Secretary Zack Roberts.
J-Bone Sullivan was last spotted fleeing the bro community after an anonymous attacker threw a Frisbee through his window, the bro equivalent of a brick. The Department of Bro Police has sent out a warrant for Sullivan, asking that he be brought back in the hopes that he can be reformed and returned to society.
Bro Sheriff Mike DiMarco is hopeful about Sullivan’s successful return to society, if his whereabouts are discovered. “If we can find him, we can get his bro back. All it takes are a few hours of DMB, weed, and Burkenstocks, and he’ll be good as chill.”
