We really are all gonna be witnesses tonight because”¦ Lebron is gonna get stabbed.
Five months after taking the proverbial piss all over the city of Cleveland’s
face, Lebron is returning to Quicken Loans Arena. While ESPN is concerned with
whether Lebron will throw talc into the air (of course he will ESPN, go
interview more ridiculous people in East Cleveland, Pee Wee Johnson was gold),
the rest of America is concerned with a more legitimate question. How many
times will Lebron get stabbed? Because the fact that he’s going to get stabbed
is a foregone conclusion. Have you ever been to Cleveland? Me neither, people
get stabbed there. So really it becomes a question of how many times will he be

My bet is 4 times. A fan will rush the court and get one in during warm-ups. That
seems like a lock. But if you really examine the situation, there’s almost
certainly going to be a second stab due to the added security. A cop will get
in a good shank when he takes the first assailant off Lebron. The third stab
will come from Lebron’s mom. She was happy with Delonte West, and her boy had
to go and screw that up. The fourth and final stab will undoubtedly come from a
ball boy. You can only take the same guy throwing his warm ups as far from you
as possible so many times before you lose your shit. You would think Dan Gilbert
would get a good shanking in, but he’ll likely stick to the same voodoo he used
when he cursed Lebron when he left. Voodoo stabs don’t count. And Spoelstra may
attempt a stab, but Pat Riley will stab him first so he has a better excuse to
get back on the bench. Dead guys can’t coach.

The best part about this is that Lebron isn’t going to even see it coming. Not
because there will be a masterful plan to get him when he’s not looking or
something, but because he genuinely doesn’t understand why people don’t like
him. “I give money to the Boys and Girls Club, you should love me!” is the
single thought that circulates through Lebron on a daily basis. He doesn’t
understand why people would be mad that he blatantly gave up in his last two
games (thanks from Boston). He doesn’t understand why people would be mad that
he waited to the end of the free agent season to tell Cleveland he was leaving
on national television. He doesn’t understand why people would be mad that he
made a commercial telling people they shouldn’t be mad when they are really mad
already. All he knows is that he gives money to the Boys and Girls Club and is
good at basketball. And that should be enough.

But someone needs to enlighten Lebron… Fast. Cuz he’s gonna get stabbed”¦