It was reported this week that University of Maryland
President Wallace Loh has given the green light to construction on a
$7.2-million mansion
. According to Loh, the house is of great interest to
students, alumni and faculty, alike.

“I remember my days in college,” said Loh, “brunching with
the dean of admissions on Tuesdays, polo with professors on Saturdays, but my
favorite day was always Sunday when I would always go to the President’s house
for tea. How can I deprive Maryland students of such a typical college

Meanwhile, two months ago, Loh announced that eight varsity
sports teams would be cut
due to lack of funds, including the men’s and women’s
varsity swimming and diving teams.

“Studies have proven that college students do not pay any
attention to sports,” says Loh. “Besides, if anyone from the swimming and
diving team really wants to continue swimming, they’re more than welcome to
come use the new pool at my house!”

Loh is referring to the Olympic-sized pool to be built on
the 9th floor of the mansion, to be filled “with money, but no bills
smaller than twenties!”

Many students have asked Loh how he can justify spending
$7.2 million on a house while cutting athletics.

“It’s simple economics, really,” said Loh. “You keep what
makes money. And in this case, I’m clearly making more money than our athletics
teams. I don’t see them building mansions, do you?”

Meanwhile, many students have begged Loh to shave a few
dollars off the mansion in an effort to assist them in day-to-day living
expenses like books, food, tuition and housing.

“I wasn’t able to afford the $3,000 my professors asked me
to spend on books this semester, so I failed two classes,” said sophomore Jared
Wilkinson. “Failing the classes made me lose my scholarship, which means I
couldn’t afford to live in the dorms. So now I live downtown and I get mugged
every single day on the way home. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna have to start
selling crack.”

“I assure you, if I could help I would,” said Loh while
smoking a Cuban cigar, swirling a chalice of Courvoisier and stroking a
prize-winning poodle. “But I simply can’t afford it right now.”

Added Loh, “Times are tough. I have two daughters in college
right now, do you know what that costs?! It’s absurd!”