The
equation is simple: alcohol + person = drunk person. (Note: contrary to what my MAT285 teacher instructed, it does not equal alcoholperson or personalcohol. And yes, simple word-based addition is part of the 200 level math curriculum at PSU.). The variable in the equation is, of course, alcohol, which some people can drink a lot of and some people can drink a lot of. The difference, other than the italics, is that everybody has that
person in his life who, under the influence of alcohol, enters into Creature Mode.
Webster’s
defines creature mode as: the physical and mental state in which all semblance
of consciousness has relinquished itself, consequentially leading to a de-evolution
of the self to a near primordial state. This “Creature Self,” as it will be
referred to from here on out, mimics the Freudian hypothesis regarding
a human being’s driving forces.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “Oh boy, kid just dropped some
psych 101 knowledge, this is too heavy, I’m out,” but I promise this is as in
depth as it will get.
Freud
broke it all down to two concepts that guide every man, woman and child: food and sex. Sure, there are variations to this–some people like to fornicate with their ratatouille, and others maybe go the way of the praying mantis and eat their partners right after coitus–but that is neither here nor there. These two forces propel the person in Creature Mode on the most basic level.
Think
for a moment of your average Plattsburgh party night: you get dressed up in
your impractical clothing, shiver uncontrollably as you walk to whatever weak
house party you promised to attend, only to leave after two games of beer pong
and twenty five minutes of standing in the corner. All this hassle for what?
You know the answer, it’s simple. I’ll give you a hint, it’s SEX! As you were
most likely to be unsuccessful in this sexual conquest what’s the next step? Eat your would-be mate! Or order a pizza from Bono’s, either way!
So in summary, what has your night amounted to? The pursuit
of sex, ending in failure, followed by a quest to attain food. #SigmundFreud. For a guy with a severe
cocaine addiction and considerable mommy issues, he was certainly onto
something.
Sure this is an excellent display of Freud on a broad and
superficial level, but you might ask, “What about that catchy term Creature Mode?” The
word conjures up images of a hunched over, cross-eyed Smeagol-like creature
meandering about in search of an Asiago Ranch Chicken Club or a match to its own
genitalia.
This person does exist and is easier to spot than herpes in a whore’s hoo-hoo. Keep an eye out for the hunched-over sweaty fella’ with a twinkle in
his eye and his hands down his pants. He lurks in the shadows and appears only
to “hold” (I air-quote “hold” because the only thing being held is the wall, for
support) a conversation for longer than comfortable whilst staring at the
cleavage of his prospective prey.
Once
this primordial buffoon has stumbled his way back to the dorms, he does as most
PSU students do: orders some Bono’s. Yet satisfying this secondary Freudian
urge is quite difficult, as the Creature Mode-engaged individual is not alone. All
across the SUNY campus dozens of barely functioning organisms, more in
resemblance to Australopithecus than Homo Sapien, make desperate gargled phone
calls for overcharged delivery food. This clearly leads to an issue: how can
that singular, sullen delivery boy in his mother’s van feed the insatiable hunger
of Plattsburg’s primordial population? The answer: he can’t. Lucky for him
however, the majority of these intoxicated Neanderthals fall prey to nature’s
other driving force: sleep.