This is a recap of last night’s BCS Championship game, as perceived by my girlfriend.

So last night there was a football game between Alabama and
LSU. I guess it was a big deal because my boyfriend made me DVR Gossip Girl so he could watch. And I
figured, “Why not? It’ll give us something to watch together!”

It was torture.

I have so many questions about the game of football, but my
main one is: how do people watch it? Seriously. I could understand going to a
game””if it weren’t so BORING and cold””because at least you can drink beer, hang out with
your boys, do other guy stuff and leave me alone to watch TV. But on TV, it’s about four hours long (it feels
like at least nine), and I would estimate that at least two of the four hours
is dedicated to shots of players standing around, high-fiving, sitting on the bench, and
spitting. Why do guys feel the need to spit? Is it part of the ejaculatory
nerve that just wants to excrete bodily fluids?

I digress.

Supposedly, the game was a “good one.” I use quotation marks
because I have no idea how someone would differentiate between a good game and
a bad game””contingent upon the number of times the director throws to a guy
spitting? What I do know is that in this game, one team
did stuff some of the time, and one
team did absolutely nothing. For four hours.

My only hope was that if I was to be subjected to this “game,”
then I would get to watch some hot guys in hot, tight uniforms. This is yet
another way in which football disappointed me. Alabama’s uniforms were ok, but
the guys are scary huge and you can’t even see their faces because they have
these stupid things on their helmets that cover them. Occasionally, they’ll
show a player’s face (mid-spit, of course), but the only one they kept showing
repeatedly was some guy named Honey Badger (seriously?) who had bleach-blonde
hair. Unless this is 1999 and you’re currently livin’ la vida loca, you may not
dye your hair blonde. Period.

So there were two strikes against football for me. I had one
last hope: I’d get to see some cool plays. I don’t know what a play is, really, so maybe just “something cool” is more accurate.

Strike three. NOTHING HAPPENED! My boyfriend kept going on
about how good the defenses were. All I know is every play they did lasted
about 2 seconds before a big guy was jumped on by a bunch of other big guys, with everyone else running around all willy nilly. Almost
every point was scored on a kick! If I’m going to watch guys kick, at least let
me watch soccer. Sure, it’s way more boring, but soccer players are HOT!

Long story short, I will never watch football again. I have
used deductive reasoning and concluded the following: these were (supposedly)
the two best teams in college football; the two best teams in college football
bored me to sleep; therefore, any teams that are not the two best teams will
bore me into a coma.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go see what Blaire and Chuck
got up to in last night’s episode.

Xoxo. Gossip Girl.

(Update: Gossip Girl was a repeat. Worst. Night.

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