Since the dawn of time, Syracuse has had two big rivals:
UConn and Georgetown. These rivalries have been shared by the entire athletic
department, from basketball to women’s lacrosse to cross-country. Now, though,
Syracuse Football has declared a new rival, independent of the rest of the
school’s sports teams. That rival is: Victory.


“That bastard [Victory] has been destroying our program for
years, with the most embarrassing defeats coming during Greg Robinson’s
tenure,” said Marrone. “There comes a time when, after enough defeats, it
becomes personal. I’ve decided that the time is now to declare Victory a new
personal rival of the Syracuse football team. Sure, we won last week, but come
on. It was Akron.”


The move comes to no surprise to Athletic Director Daryl
Gross. “It was only a matter of time,” said Gross. “Victory has eluded the team
for so long now, he almost had to be
declared as a rival.”


Some students, however, have expressed confusion over the
news. “I don’t really get it,” said Sports Management major Sean Brennar. “If
Victory is a rival, then doesn’t that mean that if we win a game, then we lost
to Victory?”

Marrone responded to the question by stating, “We don’t
foresee that to be a problem. We never win games, so we’ll never have to worry
about it. Just in case, though, I’ll contact the philosophy department to see
what their take is on it.”