Brad Decker completed all of his core requirements by the end of his sophomore year. He had fulfilled all requirements toward his major, including a 90-page thesis that took him the better part of his senior year to complete. He had even taken extra classes, “just for the shit of it.”
Unfortunately, when graduation day rolled around, Decker did not walk. And when diplomas are sent out, Decker will not receive one. Because he never officially enrolled.
“I guess I just thought that going to college was something that people did, not something that you needed to apply to do,” says Decker. “So, when I finished high school, I picked a school that looked like fun, told my parents I was going there, packed my bags and just started going to classes.”
Many are calling this “the most shocking display of ignorance since Donovan McNabb declared he didn’t know football games could end in a tie.”
It remains to be seen how such a travesty could transpire. Officials at Miami University (Ohio), where Decker did not enroll, maintain that this is not their fault, despite the fact that they accepted tuition checks from his parents each semester.
“In our defense, Brad Decker was taking classes at our school,” says President David Hodge. “Who are we to tell him that he wasn’t a real student? And who are we to tell his parents, “Sorry, but we’d like to return your $200,000 because your son is a fucking dumbass!’? That’s simply not our style.”
A petition has begun circulating in Oxford, Ohio to allow Decker to graduate, despite the fact that he never officially enrolled at Miami University. Although the petition has already garnered thousands of signatures, it seems unlikely that it will have any effect on his standing with MU.
“We’d love to see Mr. Decker graduate, we really would,” says Hodge. “But what kind of message does that send to the students who took the time to fill out that annoying ass application back in high school? It just wouldn’t be fair.”
Still, Decker has not become discouraged.
“Even though I didn’t get an official diploma, I still completed all the work and my resume speaks for itself.” Decker continued, “Besides, I start work at Goldman Sachs on Monday, so it looks like my minor oversight hasn’t really affected my career path.”
Officials from Goldman Sachs say that Decker never applied to them, nor did they give any indication that they knew who he was at all. They did say, though, that “if that dumbass wants to come work for free, who are we to tell him he doesn’t work here?”