If you are a student at Bryant, you know that finals week
occupies 99% of your grade during 1% of the semester. Accordingly, you have
focused all of your time and effort to not failing any of your courses. What
you have missed is obvious miscues from several branches on campus. We have
highlighted just some of the miscues from our food provider, Sodexho:

1.
Salmanson dining hall literally could not care
less about what they serve. We took samples from the facility and found that
the muffins have the same consistency of rubber bullets while the cookies have
the same consistency of drywall. And those are the edible foods there.

2.
The workers in Salmo seem to have stopped
cleaning anything. The tables are covered in piles of trash, yet students, lost
in a haze of final papers and exams are oblivious to the mess.

3.
The bread was moldy on Monday. This actually is
not a joke; we have a picture of moldy bread served at Salmo. Remember the
sloppy Joe? Yea. There was blue shit all over it. Gross.

The researchers at Bryant Basement have cited this to be a
case of the Final Distortion of Reality ““ the distortion of environmental perceptions
as a result of end of semester stressors, e.g. finals and papers.

Now, that you know about the lackluster service, let us
remind you of important information that will help you during your finals home
stretch.

We bring to you”¦Defecation Rates (DR). That’s right, we have
calculated the time from entry to exit of common Salmanson food items. The
number one offender is”¦mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes have a defecation rate
of 9 minutes. “I didn’t even make it back to my townhouse before”¦ well, I
needed to drop the kids off at the pool!” said Theo Dumont on Thursday.

Other top offenders:

-Cream based soups: average roughly 14-18 minutes
based on cheese level

-
Red meat: 16-18 minutes

-
All cooked vegetables: 10-12 minutes

Lowest defecation rates:

-
International foods based on white race: 5 hours

-
White meats cooked in gross sauces: 4-4.5 hours

-
Vegan nuggets: 28 hours

“Wild-cards” or items that can completely flip a standard
defecation rate in a random fashion:

-
Caramel sauce used in chocolate sundaes

-
Pre-made sandwich wraps

-
All pre-made pies

-
Orange and/or green colored Jello-O TM

Only you can prevent diarrhea during finals. The general
takeaway is if you want a regular bowel movement, stick to the following diet
at Salmo: Ice Cream, Cereal (without milk) and that’s it. 

It is simple: DO NOT
EAT ANYTHING THEY MAKE

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