A recent investigation has revealed that someone on your floor has been using the shower to experiment on his body.

For weeks there have been reports of an unidentified male spending “way too much time” in the shower, ranging from 20 minutes to five and a half hours. During these “wet spells,” as they have been dubbed, other people on your floor have reported moaning, wailing, and “straight up jerkin’-it noises” emitting from the shower of The Choker, who has brought chaos to the Gotham City that is your dorm’s bathroom. Several males on your floor who had the next “at-bat” left the “batter’s box” with “semen” on their “cleats.”

“It’s fuckin’ gross,” said your roommate, who may or may not be rushing to comment in order to draw attention to the fact that he is the one doing the “White Wedding” dance in the shower.

 “I can’t believe that someone would do such a thing,” said the weird kid down the hall, who you’re pretty sure is a sex offender in at least four states and who constantly looks at animal porn in your lounge. “Have some decency and do that thing in your room,” he added, all the while reminding you that he is constantly grabbing his nether regions and that he once told a story about rolling the white dice in the middle of his high school graduation ceremony.

You are not safe. For all you know, everyone on your floor is swimming in sin except for you. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that it’s a piece of gum stuck to the shower floor, you now find yourself second guessing.

Soon, you’ll have closure. The s(p)e(ci)men has been sent to the lab, where it will be analyzed for DNA to reveal the identity of the masturbator perpetrator.

Until then, stay out of the deep end.