Guide to Getting a Job

Believe it or not, you will find a job. This may seem daunting, but pretty much everyone does it. And on that glorious day when you get a phone call saying, “We’d love to have you join our team,” you need to be ready to play your cards. Maybe they’re offering you too low of a salary. Maybe they’re your 3rd or even 4th choice. Maybe you didn’t like the fact that it requires you to work for 40 hours in a week! Whatever the reason, make sure that before you accept a job, you weigh the cons and lesser cons. Because there are no pros. The point is, never feel obligated to take a job just because someone offered. If you’ve done everything correctly, you will get an offer from your 1st choice, at which point you can excitedly announce to your parents: “Mom! Dad! The Mayans said we’re going to die this year anyway, so I’m gonna go grab a couple dozen beers!”

By now you should know that you’re always supposed to follow-up with a potential employer after an interview. If you don’t know that, you’ve probably never ever been employed. Employers know what you’re doing: you’re asking, “So…you fill that job yet?” What you want to avoid doing is actually saying, “So…you fill that job yet? Because I could still go for a job right about now…” Obviously you could go for a job! Nine percent of our country could go for a job, and lots of them are not 22-year-old shits with no prior experience (sorry, your two years working at a summer camp do not qualify you to become Google’s next superstar). Be professional. Unless, after several polite follow-ups, they never answer you. Then you reserve the right to get plastered and send him/her a nice, friendly “fuck you” email.

I don’t mean to frighten you, but you’re going to have to talk to an adult. And yes, I realize that you are legally an adult in this country, but in reality you’re as mature as a ten-year-old. And not the kid from Modern Family, he’s a freak. You’re more like Bart Simpson, but when you’re drunk you wet the bed as often as Milhouse. You need to act crusty. It’s going to go against everything you’ve experienced for the last four years, but trust me. Do not have any fun. At all. You’re entering the workforce, and I assure you that anyone having fun will be fired and then promptly psychologically evaluated.

You aren’t pretty. This isn’t an insult, it’s a fact. You’re a senior. By now you’ve learned that the freshman 15 does not stop during year one and you’ve put on quite a few pounds, mostly in the face and gut. You’ve been drinking a lot, probably for consecutive days and hours. Most likely even as you read this you’re imbibing. Now that you think about it, you don’t even remember the last time you were sober. You haven’t cut your hair, you’ve been wearing the same pair of sweatpants since…oh god, what day was that? February? And your idea of a sophisticated conversation is getting high and weighting the pros and cons of Papa John’s versus Domino’s. Clean yourself up, Barney Stinson style, so you can be ready for…

I went over this in detail on a previous post, so I’ll keep this brief. You’re going to apply to a lot of jobs. Most of them are going to be shitty. But every once in a while, you’ll see that special post that should set off a special alarm in your head: this job will be the death of me. If you found it on craigslist, odds are this is the case. Steer clear of homicidal employers and stick to the boring-looking applications.

Hey, Class of 2012, guess what! You have about a month left to either A) get your shit together and find a job, or B) convince your parents that the Mayans were right and you’ll all be dead this year anyway so getting a job is pointless. If you’re capable of pulling off B, then you’ve probably already found a job as a politician or lawyer. But if not, then all you’ve got is A. Now it’s not gonna be easy, but I can help. Just follow these tips and you’ll be climbing that career ladder in no time. I just can’t promise that you won’t want to throw yourself off of it shortly thereafter.