9 to 5

Allow me to introduce myself. I am 26 years old. I’m a white, middle class, 99-percenter. I have a bachelor’s degree from a petty good undergraduate institution. In other words, I’m average. I have worked jobs in every field you can think of (including working in an actual field), but this booming economy prevents me from affording rent. So I live in my parents’ basement. I am here to offer advice on the working world, because let’s face it: if the world is, in fact, your oyster, then it’s an oyster that’s been sitting in the hot sun for several days and smells kind of like a cat’s anus. Nowadays, once you leave college, you might as well go straight to the Department of Labor and file for unemployment. Except you can’t, because you haven’t had a job. Quite a catch. So allow me to assist you.