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tagged politics »
Girl Sets Record with 52 ‘likes’ in One Discussion Section
For some it’s a placeholder, a space filler. For others, it’s an entity so coveted, so beloved, that addiction is more probable than possible. No””not cocaine but the word “like.’ Many consider it Carrot Top-annoying””like listening to Rick Santorum reason that contraception leads to children being born out of wedlock. But recently, a cult-like following... MORE »
Colorado Glitter Bomber Charged with “Livening Romney Up”
During Tuesday’s caucus in Colorado, 20-year-old University of Colorado student Peter Lucas Smith attempted to “glitter bomb” Mitt Romney. His plans were foiled mere seconds before that sweet, sweet glitter could rain down upon Romney’s always-perfectly coiffed hair. Still, Smith is being charged with several misdemeanors as a result of his actions. Smith has reportedly... MORE »
CAMPUS BASEMENT ENDORSES NEWT
CAMPUS BASEMENT IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE IT ENDORSES NEWT. NEWTS MAKE GREAT PETS FOR YOUNG TODDLERS WHO ARE LEARNING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE FIRST TIME. NEWTS EAT EARTHWORMS AND CRICKETS, AND ARE HEALTHIEST IN ROOM-TEMPERATURE FRESHWATER AQUARIUMS. BUY YOUR CHILD A NEWT TODAY! MORE »
Ron Paul Watches V for Vendetta, Seeks to Abolish Executive Branch
When a major politician seeks the legalization of marijuana, it speaks volumes to the millions of advocates nationwide. Millions more jump on board when a presidential nominee promises to eliminate all military engagements brought about in the last decade. For Ron Paul, this appeal to the masses has proven successful in the Iowa and New... MORE »
Rick Santorum Suing Internet for Being Gay
Last Thursday night, Rick Santorum showed why he’s a master of logic by pointing out to New England College students that, “if it’s ok for two men to marry, then it must be ok for three men to marry.” Although this seems like a stretch, I assure you it’s basic “if p, then q is... MORE »
Bryant Plans to Hire Rod Blagojevich in 2026
Former Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, was sentenced to fourteen years in federal prison several weeks ago on charges of mail and wire fraud and solicitation of bribery while in office. Yesterday, Bryant announced that Blagojevich will be added as one of the university’s newest faculty members “immediately following his departure” from prison. As a... MORE »
To Rick Perry, Love Santa Claus
Dear Gov. Perry, I’m not afraid to admit that the idea of me is a little creepy. I mean, it says in a song that I can see kids when they’re sleeping. And while that’s true, I don’t abuse my position of power to pedophilistically spy on minors nor do I use it to publically... MORE »
Herman Cain Looks To Teletubbies For Inspiration On Next Campaign Speech
After a series of sexual misconduct-related public relations disasters, 2012 Republican presidential nominee Herman Cain officially suspended his campaign last week. His farewell speech included an inspiring quote: “Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible. It’s never easy when there is so much on the line. But you and I can make a... MORE »
Herman Cain is a Pokemon Master
In case you missed it, Herman Cain quoted the Pokemon Movie when bowing out of the presidential election the other day. There’s simply no time for politics when there are wild Pikachus and Jigglypuffs to be caught. Godspeed, Herman. MORE »
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