SU has instituted a new policy regarding popcorn-making: all students who wish to make popcorn must do so before two o’clock in the morning.

Studies show that 99% of all fire alarms taking place in dormitories occur at an ungodly hour (the average fire alarm sounds around 4:17 AM) and during ungodly weather. The same study showed that 87% of file alarms are caused by students who are overworked or overtired or overdrunk making popcorn in the middle of the night. Regardless of the fact that popcorn should be popped for no longer than three minutes, these students neglect their popcorn bags, sometimes leaving them in the microwave for hours.

The day after one of these late-night fire alarms occurred at Brockway hall, sophomore Eric Patel admitted, “I guess I put the bag in the microwave for way too long. In fact, we were outside because of the fire alarm for about forty-five minutes, and when we got back inside around 4:15 AM, the microwave was still going. The bag had pretty much disintegrated.”

Laura Denbaum, a resident advisor on the third floor or Shaw, has experienced the most popcorn-related fires of anyone else. “I can pretty much tell when it’s going to happen,” claims Denbaum. “I even have a checklist. “Is it rainy?’ Check. “Did I just start to fall asleep?’ Check. “Do I hear someone pressing the microwave buttons?’ Checkmate. Honestly, how hard is it to make popcorn?”

SU officials are also looking into banning the popping of popcorn during hours of shower-related traffic.