Article by emcorbet
April 16, 2012

How the evil universe views college students

Dear non-seniors, It has come to our attention that the most recently graduating class of 2012 did not pay enough for college. While most SU students spent approximately $200,000 on their education, we now deem this is not enough. (Which honestly surprised us – we originally anticipated that charging students roughly $20 per meal at... MORE »

Article by Nicole G
April 12, 2012

No. 1 Recruit Nerlens Noel Chooses Kentucky, Orange Fans Blame Fab Melo

Nerlens Noel, rated the number one recruit in the Class of 2012, announced today that he will play NCAA basketball at the University of Kentucky. After narrowing his list of schools to Syracuse, Kentucky, and Georgetown, he committed to the reigning national champions. Orange fans, furious about how the events transpired, were determined to play... MORE »

Article by emcorbet
April 10, 2012

Otherwise aimless students find self-purpose in dissent against UU

Ah, college. Since freshman year, we’ve been surrounded by so many resources, so many options. So many minds filled with thoughts of wonder, inspiration, and encouragement to make the future world a better world by saving the seals, protecting the rainforests, fighting for gender equality, or simply convincing people to switch to CFL light bulbs.... MORE »

Article by Daniel T
April 7, 2012

The “Titanic” Drinking Game

Chances are you were anywhere from 4 to 7 years old when James Cameron’s Titanic cruised into theaters in December 1997. But even if you weren’t, you were probably still too young when it first came out: too young to sit still in a movie theater for three hours, too young to look at Kate... MORE »

Article by Kevin Cardoni
April 7, 2012

Public Restrooms – A Letter to Some Very Disgusting People

A letter to the soulless creatures who don’t know what a urinal is: For whatever reason, the term, “Public Bathroom,” has become synonymous with the phrase, “Urine-coated Public Bathroom.” As someone who uses bathrooms as a phone booth to receive nature’s calls, I find it horribly offensive that people feel the need to pee all... MORE »

Article by Annie Segal
April 5, 2012

Passover causes bread shortages in SU Dining Halls

As most Syracuse students know the Jewish holiday, Passover, is coming up on Friday. Essentially, it celebrates the Jews’ exodus from Egypt and their journey to Israel led by Moses. In other words, Moses was like “I’m peacin’ outta dis bitch Pharaoh.” Then he split the red sea, but didn’t have time to make a... MORE »

Article by Nicole G
April 4, 2012

Student reveals he is going home this weekend just to have sex

Watson Hall Quad 407 is buzzing with excitement. Three of its residents are going home this weekend to celebrate an important religious holiday: Drew Collins is headed back for Easter. Ben Schwartz and Mark Allen for Passover. However, its fourth resident, Jack Turney, is going home for a more important reason. “I’m going home to... MORE »

Article by Alex R
April 4, 2012

The Fab Melo Riots

With the news late Monday night that Sophomore Center Fab Melo will forgo his junior year as he declared for the NBA draft Syracuse fans took their excitement to the streets. Fans burned couches, flipped cars, and looted all along Marshall Street as the news spread- all while chanting the 1969 song “Na Na Hey... MORE »

Article by Alfred
April 4, 2012

Advantages of Lawrinson’s Fire Alarms

                                Students unfortunate enough to dorm in Lawrinson this semester have much to complain about. Social life is dead, dining  options suck, and room-mates are inconsiderate dicks who keep taking your shaving razor without telling you. Seriously Edgar, I know... MORE »

Article by Kevin Slack
April 3, 2012

ZBT Disappointed in Brother’s Choice of Ironic Throwback Jersey

Zeta Beta Tau President Zachary Cohen issued a statement Tuesday condemning freshman brother Ben Murphy for his choice of ironic throwback basketball attire during the weekend. Murphy, a marketing major in the Whitman School of Business, showed up to the ZBT house on Saturday afternoon clad in Shaquille O’Neal’s Orlando Magic jersey, a popular garment... MORE »