“Some things are penis provoking.” Excuse me? In what rational, sane, university appropriate conversation would someone say that? Apparently in one that takes place at Emory, because that’s where I heard it. But why would someone say this? Don’t worry, I did some serious, undercover investigating, and I figured this one out for you.

Let us begin with the obvious. There is a Woodruff Hall, Woodruff Library, Woodruff Health Sciences Center, and Woodruff PE Center on campus. Allow me to repeat that. There is a WOODruff Hall, WOODruff Library, WOODruff Health Sciences Center, and WOODruff PE Center on campus. That’s a whole lot of wood for one campus, and I suppose that I should issue a public apology to all the ladies out there for it all being such rough wood. Boys, don’t be rude, and lube up next time.

Then there’s everyone’s favorite, COX Hall. Emory students love nothing more than a good Cox Hall joke. Freshmen say: “Hey, I’m going to get some Cox.” Sorority girls say: “Hey, want to get some Cox later?” Confused fraternity boys say: “You want to go to Cox? I love Cox!” Extremely committed sorority girls say: “Ugh, I am so full right now. Too much Cox in me.” Yeah, we get it. We all like a good penis joke, but the reason Emory students never get sick of making them is because it’s not everyday that you get a penis joke assist from such a reputable academic institution. Classy, Emory.

Longstreet Means is the newest addition to the Emory residence community. Not getting this one? LONGstreet MEANS. It’s a clear reference to the fact that the longer the penis, the better the means one has of pleasuring a woman. Think this one is too much of a stretch? By no MEANS am I stretching the truth. A LONG penis is a good penis. Wow, that may have been the most awkward sentence that I’ve ever written…moving on…

Few Hall is another hidden gem of the Emory community. This one is a reference to all those guys who oh so valiantly pull off the one night stand, weekend after weekend. Their eternal credo is, “FEW, got away with that one.” Good joke, but bad principles. Come on, be less sleazy boys. For the kids.

Trimble Hall…yeah, I took this picture from a distance for a reason. If you’ve ever been in this dorm, you know that it’s the single most disgusting place to live on campus. Penises are also disgusting. That’s the only connection I’ve got for this one.

Whitehead Research Building. I couldn’t find this building to take a picture, and I can only assume that is due to the top secret research that they do. It seems as if this place researches a very specific variety of male genitalia…need I say more?

And finally, we arrive at Callaway Memorial Center. This one has to be broken up for a person to see all of its underlying, sexual meaning. Call-away, as in when a guy asks for a girl’s number, and she gives it to him, and then says, “CALL AWAY boo-boo face,” or something weird and potentially off-putting like that. We get it Emory, we shouldn’t be scared to CALL AWAY at all times of the night to every single person on our phone until we find someone to have sex with.

I think that Emory is sending a pretty clear message: We are a penis provoking campus built on the ideal that sex is the single most stress releasing activity in the world, so, students, follow the signs, and go at each other like drunk monkeys locked up in a cage, with chains, a blindfold, one of those electric massage things, and…we’ll just stop this awkward sentence before it goes to a place that no sentence should ever go. Keep up the promiscuity, Emory.