Sometimes I wonder if it’s really all that healthy for me to be going to school next to the CDC (Center for Disease Control). All of my friends have been getting sick! (None of which will be mentioned in this article for the purpose of anonymity…and because, of course, I don’t actually have any friends…*sigh* As I stare off into the distance with shameful amounts of hope for the future of my social life…) So, in an attempt to both warn everyone at Emory about the obvious epidemic ripping through our campus, as wealth as to poke some HEALTHY fun at those who are SICK, in attempt to make them feel better through laughing at their own pain, it’s time to expose the STD scare. Trust me sick people, if you can embrace your pain, it’s a lot easier to deal with, so suck up that mucus (ew!), wipe off that sweat (ah!), rub those droopy eyes (eh, this one’s not all that disgusting), and read the rest of this article.

Why am I calling this disease an STD? Well, for starters, people always pay more attention when a disease has a fancy name like Cancer or STD. Seriously, when’s the last time that you read an article about a runny nose? FACT: Diseases are always more interesting when they might kill someone. Second, typically, STD stands for Sexually Transmitted Disease. However, when a disease rips through a university as nerdy and filled with go-getters as Emory, the acronym takes on an entirely new meaning. In regards to Emory, STD stands for Study Time Decreased.

When an Emory student loses study time due to being sick, it’s kind of like the apocalypse. It’s the end of the world! What’s the point of breathing if you can’t study your Psychology or British Literature or Chemistry? Please, people, who cares if you don’t know all of your protons, electrons, and neutrons. Not studying for 24 hours isn’t going to turn you all into morons. Embrace your opportunity to be a lazy sack of, to use a not so elegant word, shit. Remember high school, when we’d all fake sick at least once a week? Were we skipping school in order to study? No! We were skipping to smoke weed, to drink liquids we were too young to consume, and to hook-up with that oddly attractive girl from English class with the tattoo of a dragon on her arm. People, where did our dedication go?! Where have the days of getting sick with a purpose gone?!

Anyways, moving on, here’s a list of some of the disgusting things that will happen to you if you catch the Emory STD. PARENTAL ADVISORY WARNING: Children under 29 years of age may find this next section disgracefully vulgar. Regardless of your age, keep reading, because I don’t write funny stuff like this for no good reason at all.

  1. You sniffle, snort, suck, sneeze, whistle, blow, and whatever else you can possibly do with your nose so as to make the hands down most disgusting noises of all time. Look, I get it, you can’t help it, but, just being honest here, you make me want to shove a pillow over your face because it’s the only way that the noises will stop forever. Just kidding, I would never kill anyone…but seriously…
  2. You talk like you’re dying. You speak with this hoarse, raspy, whispering voice. It’s actually so damn sad, that when you say completely reasonable things like, “Can you get me a glass of water?” all that people hear is, “Please, I’m dying, just a glass of water would be nice to ease the pain a little longer.” Stop talking like you’re dying! It makes me feel sad, because I don’t want you to die, but more importantly, it allows you to take complete advantage of me. Don’t take advantage of me. I’m not a prostitute.
  3. You shoot things out of holes in your body that are not meant to have stuff shooting out of them. You puke, poop, pee, cry, sneeze, droop gunk out of your ears, lactate (or whatever it is that female cows do…or all cows…boy cows are bulls, right?). Seriously, are you broken, because you are leaking everywhere and I do not know how to stop it! Now I know why the Ancient Egyptians mummified people. It was so that the dead people kept all of their disgusting excess to themselves upon dying. Please, stop leaking, or I’m going to have to wrap you up like a Christmas present, except that this isn’t Christmas, so you’re probably not going to enjoy it at all. Also, there will be no elves, but alas, I digress.

I hope that you don’t take this as me not wanting to help sick people. Trust me, I love helping people just as much as the next guy does (if that next guy doesn’t like helping sick people at all… “SERIOUSLY, THEY HAVE GERMS!!! EW!!!” -Howie Mandel). I’m just willing to admit to your face that when you’re coughing, sneezing, and oozing, that I don’t find it to be all that aesthetically pleasing. However, in an attempt to be politically correct, if any sick people out there need a more personalized pep talk, you can email the HOLY CRAP I’M SICK, WHY IS SOME INCONSIDERATE JACKASS MAKING FUN OF ME IN A BLOG HELPLINE at Seriously, try it, I dare you! Would I actually be stupid enough to put my email address out there just like that? It’s because I care, Emory. Feel better.