Jesse Clinton had two big papers, four exams, and a concert for his a capella group. He slept for two hours per night and had no time to run to the dining hall to get food. So he did what any college student does: he dieted solely on Ramen noodles.
“It was crazy,” says Clinton’s roommate, Jeff McKinley. “He literally ate Ramen every day for every meal. I don’t think he took a piss for the last twelve days of his life.”
While it is common for many college students, especially freshmen, to consume copious amounts of Ramen, it is unheard of for one student’s diet to solely consist of Ramen. In fact, even Ramen officials were surprised to hear the news.
Said one Ramen spokesperson of Clinton’s feat, “that shit is fuckin’ nuts.”
Scientists were unable to perform an autopsy on Clinton because he had “literally turned into a pile of salt.” However, Dr. Eugene Narovski has been investigating the ingredients in Ramen noodles in order to determine how something such as this is possible.
“It’s quite simple,” says Narovski. “There are 4,793 milligrams of sodium in a single bit of Ramen. To put it plainly, that’s more sodium than there is in an entire canister of salt. The student would have been better off shoveling heaps of salt into his mouth.” Added Narovski, “In fact, that may have actually helped to hydrate him.”
Ramen President John McNoodle released a press release shortly after Clinton’s untimely, albeit expected death.
“The entire Ramen family wishes to extend its condolences to the Clintons. However, we also wish to urge all other college students to practice safe Ramening, to please eat responsibly. Sure, those first few days on a Ramen high are exhilarating. You don’t have to pee, your stomach burns, and there is literally a party in your mouth. But I promise you, the party will end with a SWAT team crashing down the door while you’re snorting blow from a hooker’s navel.”
McNoodle continued, “Wait, maybe this metaphor isn’t working. The point is, don’t be a dumbass like this kid was, “cause this shit might be easy to make, but it’ll fuckin’ kill you. Plus it tastes like a donkey’s ass.”