Dear Bountiful Beauties,

            Something
has come to my attention in recent Halloweens. Female costumes, obviously, have
decreased in skin coverage and increased in whoriness for a number of years
now. And I’m ok with that. As the old Mean
Girls
adage goes, “In Girl World,
Halloween is the one night a year
when
a girl can dress
like a total
slut
and no other girls can
say anything about it.”

            What irks me is that women forget to
read the fine print (thanks a lot, Lindsay Lohan): this “slut” rule is void if
you have visible rolls on your neck, back, or stomach.

            I don’t understand why costume
manufacturers make sexy ensembles larger than a size medium, because women all
over this country are abusing the privilege of donning bunny ears and calling
themselves one of Hef’s girls. If your typical diet consists of ice cream
sundaes and you frequently find yourself not on a treadmill, the odds of you
pulling off a “sexy kitty” costume this October 31st are looking
pretty slim.

            I do not mean to make myself sound
like an anti-feminist bitch. I love and appreciate all body types. I am not
criticizing the curves, ladies. I am merely looking out for my sisters who have
“more to love”; who have “more cushion for the pushin’”; whose body type would
fall under the category of “meatball.” Big is beautiful, just not when it’s in
a size-X-Small corset.

            A simple rule of thumb to determine
if you fit the above description is to hide a Ping-Pong ball somewhere on your
body. Ask a friend to find it. If he or she fails to recover the hidden object,
opt for a costume that your grandmother or six-year-old sister would feel
comfortable wearing. Other signs that you should choose a slightly less risqu
é costume
is if people commonly mistake your legs for cottage cheese or if at least one
person has asked you, “When are you due?”

            The only time it is ok to see an “X”
on the label of your costume is if the outfit is X-Rated OR X-Large. But NOT
both.

            Also, just because you are “curvy”
doesn’t mean you can dress up as Beyonc
é or Mariah Carey for Halloween. Yes, those
women are thick, but men also masturbate to them frequently. Can you say the
same for yourself? (If your answer is “yes,” then I fully support your
decision; those are some bad bitches and you probably are too. However, if your
answer is “no,” may I suggest a Rosie O’Donnell or Kirstie Alley costume?)

            Bottom line, ladies: be honest with
yourself. Take a good, long look in the mirror (no, really, do it) and ask, “If
I went out in public dressed as a French maid, would a guy ask me to polish his
doorknob?” If no gentlemen callers do so, you know you’ve probably made the
wrong decision.

 

Sincerely,

            You’re Making Everyone Uncomfortable

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