As winter in Syracuse rapidly
approaches, sorority girls campus-wide have started to notice their summer tans
fading. Super-annoying Facebook status updates have been flooding friends’ feeds
with gems such as “OH-EM-GEE! VAMPIRE STATUS!!” and “Snooki would be soooooo
disappointed in me 🙁“
Never has the Dislike button been in greater need.

Conversely, these statuses give a
half-chub to Garbo’s Salon and Spa owner Giuseppe Mariano. Located right off
Marshall Street, Garbo’s is the premier spot on campus for Syracuse girls to get their
tan on and their Brazilian wax off. Garbo’s reported higher profits last winter than every other business
on Marshall Street combined. “I fucking love my life,” exclaimed Mariano, “I
buy a couple of tanning beds and girls PAY ME to walk around me in their
bathing suits. Thank you, Jersey Shore!!
In your face, Mom!!”

looks better with a little color,”
remarked sophomore Stacy Jones, unwittingly declaring the official
slogan of Loompaland; homeland of the
Oompa-Loompas. Jones is currently the Mayor of Garbo’s on foursquare,
and consequently has increased her risk of skin cancer by 542% since
last winter.

Unfortunately for males on
campus, a quick Garbo’s run is the only time a hot sorority girl will leave her
house during the winter months. Hibernation preparations have been already been
evident in local supermarkets. Bronzer, sugar free Red Bull and salad fixings
have been flying off shelves lately. “One girl came in today four different
times to buy 5 Hour Energy Shots. She dressed in different outfits each time,
hoping I wouldn’t recognize her,” recalls one Price Chopper cashier. “But I’d
recognize that ass anywhere.”

Gynecologist doctor notes
preventing sorority girls from attending class until March have begun
bombarding professor’s desks as well. We reached out to one local doctor, Dr. Mantis Toboggan,
M.D. for comment on one particular note he wrote in which the diagnosis was “something
smells down there.”

“It’s definitely not legal,” Toboggan explained. “But she’s
really hot and I get to see her vagina a couple times a year, so it’s worth
risking my livelihood for it.”