Unless you are an idiot, foreign, or
go to Ohio, or some combination of the three, you know that stepping on the “M’
before your first bluebook results in failing said test at UofM. The brass, block-letter “M’, donated by the
class of ’53, has scared off more kids than (insert pedophile). Activists have set up barricades around it,
upper-classmen have stepped on it, giant pictures of aborted fetuses have been
posted around it, but nothing like what happened yesterday in Ann Arbor has
ever been witnessed before.

Late in the afternoon, right around
the time when the wind speed unspeakably doubles, the unthinkable

Senior Jenny Dixon had the bird’s-eye view, “I’d just
walked out of the Grad Library when””” She cleared her throat and collected her
thoughts for a moment. “When””he was
wearing those big earmuff-type headphones and must’ve been texting his entire
phonebook. I”¦I” Fellow Senior, Brock Bixler, who was next to
Dixon, chimed in, “The dude, I mean, WOW, he freakin’ stepped on the “M’ and
poof! He was like a rich, ugly girl: all
clothes, no body.”

The Frosh,
Teddy Gabowski, was identified by looking at his UMID which remained intact
along with all his other material possessions.
His newly-bought Jordans were also said to still be, “so fresh and so
clean.” Though Nike representatives
declined comment, it couldn’t be denied that they’d been handed a perfect idea
for a commercial”””And they said nothing survived nukes” (zoom in on fresh kicks). “Rest in peace, his poor sole,” said Bixler, adding, “it’ll never know the comfort of those Jordans again.”

Those who
knew Gabowski were quite shaken up by the atomizing news.

“You know
that saying, “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone’?” Asked Freshman,
Chrissy Peterson. “Yeah, he’s gone, but
actually gone. Like, there’s nothing to be got. Except maybe those shoes, did anyone call dibs on those?” Others shared similar
thoughts on the matter.

A tragedy
of this magnitude hasn’t come out of Ann Arbor since (Ted Kaczynski) Rich
Rodriguez was fired.

A candlelight vigil will
be held Sunday night in his remembrance.