In a
last ditch effort to save his ass,
former Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagoevich, pulled all the plugs. Prison warden, Joseph Salchicha, has
reportedly confirmed that Blagoevich was talking with former-former Governor,
George Ryan, about, “getting outta here.”
According to the account, Blagoevich has been accused of asking Ryan to “get
him on that chair” and if Ryan could “watch his kids when he gets out” in exchange
for 37 cents, two Playboy Magazines, and the promise of his meal’s dessert for
life. The last promise pretty much
sealed the deal for Ryan””who steadily has ascended to the top of the prison
hierarchy””though he missed the part about Blagoevich not being able to give him
his dessert after he dies.
“He had it pretty rough in there,” guard, Tony Shipdeck
said. “I think it really started going
downhill when he told one inmate, “I’ve got this thing’ and then kinda looked
down and said, “It’s fucking golden.'”
The information regarding how prison staff learned of the
attempted transaction remains undisclosed.
However, some sources are saying Blagoevich and Ryan were texting each
other the details using cell phones provided by a conjugal visitor’s shit. According to Colorado State Law, trading for
the rights to electrocution typically results in an additional 25 years to
life.
On why there’s such a stiff penalty for quite the ironic
offense, Shipdeck verbosely remarked, “Fuck “em.”
This insider trading has grown
increasingly popular among the incarcerated. For some, it’s a surrogate for their gambling
addiction (and conviction), and others, like Blagoevich, just aren’t cut out
for prison life. Some inmates have
claimed that they’ve heard Blagoevich singing Christmas carols.
“I’ll be hoooome for Christmas, if
only in myyyyy schemes.”
Apparently, he’s received mixed
reviews. Some have even gone as far to
say that he’s the next Bing Crosby. But with
that 1950s sitcom hair he’s got, Blagoevich has clearly misunderstood the old
singing adage, “you’re only as good as how you look.” See Ke$ha, Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears (her
career really does follow the peaks and valleys of her appearance). Though, as a consolation, he could easily
compete with Pauly D in the “My Hair Can Withstand the Most Natural of
Disasters Better than you even Without Gel and a Blow Dryer Competition.”
With the evidence heavily pinned on
Blagoevich, it appears that he won’t be getting fried anytime soon. He was unavailable for comment.
I’m sure there are some people out there that
feel bad for the guy””I just haven’t found them yet.
