The Daily reported today that, after crunching the numbers
based on current trends in inflation, college tuition 22 years from now will cost $422,320 at one of the country’s more prestigious (read:
expensive) schools.

Now I know what you’re thinking: why does it seem like
there’s a weird amount of “twos” in that calculation? I don’t know. But I do know that you’re probably also
thinking about what else you could buy with $400k+ in twenty years. Well so am
I.

-A robot that goes to class for you, takes tests for you,
and argues with professors about deadlines for you. A source has informed me
that this will, in fact, exist, in the year 2034. The robot’s name will be Gary
and the answer to your question is yes: he can also get drunk with you.

-The ’90s. For that kind of cash, you can bring back the
glory days with a simple visit to a collector’s shop. Buy up all the LA Lights
sneakers, Yomega and Duncan yo-yos, Beanie Babies, Pokemon cards (I’ll trade
you my holographic Charizard for your holographic Snorlax!) and, most
importantly, all the Tamagotchis. You don’t even have to skimp and get those
stupid Digimon knock-offs! Radical!

-Greece. Self-explanatory.

-422 bouncy castles. Why spend money to live in,
essentially, a jail cell with a desk when you could live in a bouncy jail cell without a desk? I crunched the numbers and, after careful
calculation, decided I hate math. I then took that conclusion and confirmed
that a bouncy castle will cost $1,000 in 2034 because it’s easiest to use for a
math formula.

-Six square feet of your school President’s house. If
college tuition is going to rise that much, the money has to be used for
something, and there are only so many times university officials can put cones
up outside a structurally sound building and claim to be “renovating.” By 2034,
it will be understood that presidents are utilizing tuition money for their own
benefits. Why not remind the prez how much he sucks by buying up a small
portion of the bathroom and booing each time he takes a dump on his platinum,
singing toilet? As long as you boo loudly enough to be heard over “Party Rock
Anthem.” (A source confirmed that all toilets will be programmed to sing this
in 2034.)

-A ticket to Mars. If you’re gonna pay an astronomical
amount for something, why not pay for something astronomical? Trust me, you can
learn how to sleep late and drink a lot anywhere. For four hundred grand, you
might as well learn it on Mars. I hear their unemployment rate is lower,
anyway.

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