Sophomore Arts and Sciences student Timothy Eugene thought his drunken coolness was going largely unnoticed as he walked home empty-handed and disappointed from a party at approximately 12:47 am last Saturday when he decided to do something bold.
“Fuuuuuuucccckkkkk this SHIT!” he yelled as he strolled down the street, shocking a few unsuspecting freshmen on their way to Kimmel.  He then proceeded to kick snow off the curb and slap his buddy, Steve, on the ass.
According to multiple onlookers that night, Eugene’s display of raw manliness and unfettered, unnecessary testosterone was a clear demonstration that he’s a really awesome guy who should have a lot more friends than Steve, who wears braces.
“Yea, I was really impressed by that drunk guy who yelled on Euclid,” said one cute sorority girl who would totally bone Eugene if she couldhandle a real man.  ”He must be, like, a really awesome guy if he thinks that screaming in public is a smart thing to do.”
Steve could not be reached for comment because his head was buried in his hands as he tried to avoid eye-contact with any and all passersby.  The party Eugene left, meanwhile
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