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Sources: Yelling drunk guy on Euclid “really cool”
Sophomore Arts and Sciences student Timothy Eugene thought his drunken coolness was going largely unnoticed as he walked home empty-handed and disappointed from a party at approximately 12:47 am last Saturday when he decided to do something bold.
“Fuuuuuuucccckkkkk this SHIT!” he yelled as he strolled down the street, shocking a few unsuspecting freshmen on their way to Kimmel. He then proceeded to kick snow off the curb and slap his buddy, Steve, on the ass.
According to multiple onlookers that night, Eugene’s display of raw manliness and unfettered, unnecessary testosterone was a clear demonstration that he’s a really awesome guy who should have a lot more friends than Steve, who wears braces.
“Yea, I was really impressed by that drunk guy who yelled on Euclid,” said one cute sorority girl who would totally bone Eugene if she couldhandle a real man. ”He must be, like, a really awesome guy if he thinks that screaming in public is a smart thing to do.”
Steve could not be reached for comment because his head was buried in his hands as he tried to avoid eye-contact with any and all passersby. The party Eugene left, meanwhile
1) For all you Resident Advisors, I’ve been there. I get it. You have to close this campus down and invariably there will be some asshole who doesn’t want to leave the dorm by 6pm Sunday afternoon which means you won’t get out of here until long after your sanity and patience have skidaddled. More... MORE »
I’d like to state that I am not an alcoholic. But I do like a good drink. What I don’t like is going down to DJs/Chucks/Lucys/Flip Night and waiting for seemingly decades to get to the bar only to find out their drink selection is based on lackluster liquor and even shittier beer. Why bother?... MORE »
Free samples of bubble tea at Boba Suite on South Crouse Avenue yesterday have left one Syracuse University student seriously injured and others seriously confused. Chris Rubenstein, a sophomore biology major, was taken to Upstate University Hospital at 5:45 p.m. and has been in a medically induced coma after nearly choking on tapioca pearls, police... MORE »
Local Syracuse high school Senior, Lacey Mazza, is concerned about Syracuse University’s school year coming to an end. “During the school year, we’d all pretty much just dress up [read: slut it up] and walk right into house parties, sometimes talk our way into the frats, but now that all the students are home for... MORE »
Life for Syracuse University frat pledge, Michael Wilkins isn’t all fun and keg stands. It’s hard work and keg stands, too. Now that the weather has warmed up, SU frats are beginning to train their prospective members for the shitshow that is Mayfest by a series of day-drinking events/challenges. It’s that time of year again... MORE »
A big Syracuse Beer Pong Tourney is going down Thursday. Wanna participate? Of course you do. You’re a college student and love beer. Here are the details.. 10 Cup, Double EliminationRules will be messaged to players before tournament$20 per team $10 per person ( per ticket) FIRST COME FIRST SERVE, GET TICKETS FAST, NO TICKETS AT... MORE »
Last Thursday, a brand new bar had its grand opening on Marshall Street. DJ’s recently joined Chuck’s, Faegan’s, Lucy’s, and Harry’s to become the latest installment in Syracuse University campus bars, which evidently are all required by law to have an apostrophe and an “s” at the end of the name. When Maggie’s was... MORE »
With America taking cover for the coming baseball storm, I give you my Major League preview, in poetry form.
The Phillies and the Red Sox are every expert’s picks But what about the Yankees, those pinstriped New York pricks? They might not have four aces, or Theo Epstein’s additions But what they lack in talent, they make up for with C.C.’s three chins. Then again there are the Giants ““ the defending champs are... MORE »
From November through March, there is no better place to bea sports fan than Syracuse University. For those long, cold winter months every year the entire student body unites behind one of the nation’s best college basketball programs, as if to use the body heat emanating from Scoop Jardine’s perfectly round head to warm our collective... MORE »
Fed up with Avid, SD cards, and that fucking error message that keeps popping up on the computer screen, junior broadcast journalism major Alison Hayden isn’t letting anyone in or out of the Newhouse editing suites until she’s done with “this bullshit assignment that shouldn’t even count.” Sources say the suspect, who is 5’5″ and... MORE »
Professor. Come on. You know you want a piece of this Grade-A-prime-cut-extra-tender-plump-and-juicy-satisfaction-guaranteed manly deliciousness. Quit playing. Go ahead and deny it all you want. I’m patient. I know you’ll realize sooner or later that I’m just too irresistible for you to keep reading that newspaper while I spit my game. Just put down that article... MORE »
According to multiple reports, freshman engineering major Bobby Stevens will spend a large portion of the upcoming weekend smashing poonani. Sources close to the freshman say that he fully expects his recent dry spell to come to a crashing halt as he gets laid “daily, nightly and ever so rightly.” Although it’s unknown at this... MORE »
After their long-suppressed mutual attraction erupted into a beautiful act of backfield romance during last Sunday’s AFC championship game against the NewYork Jets, Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall and quarterbackBen Roethlisberger will awkwardly avoid each other until their team plays again““ in the Super Bowl.“It was a one-time thing,” Mendenhall told reporters afterhe deflowered his... MORE »
After spending first semester abroad in Madrid, I drove up to Syracuse last month to spend exam week on campus. I had missed my friends dearly during my four-month European adventure, but the truth is that I didn’t drive seven hours from Maryland to Syracuse because I wanted to see them. The reason I drove... MORE »
Madrid, Spain ““ Professors at Syracuse University’s Madrid campus are pleased to find that dwindling attendance numbers in their classrooms are due to the increased number of students who use their class time to “do cultural stuff,” and have nothing to do with the large crowd of kids eating potato chips in the courtyard. “It’s... MORE »
Madrid, Spain ““ In a nearly unanimous vote, the Association of Spanish Women passed a measure today to extend their long-standing policy of “Look but don’t touch” toward any and all men they meet. With the exception of a few holdouts that clearly had too much sangria during their afternoon siesta, the ASW spoke with... MORE »
Dear Spanish couples, Look, I get it.Â This isn’t America.Â People are allowed to express their affections more freely in public on this side of the Atlantic.Â To a certain extent, that’s great.Â Catching the occasional glimpse of two high school kids eating each other’s faces is fine because that means that I, too, have... MORE »
1. Take a road trip – Most people end freshman year under the assumption that the world ends after Marshall Street. Now that you’re a sophomore who’s mastered Main and South Campus, hop in your buddy’s beat-up station wagon and go somewhere different for a weekend with your friends. Explore New York City. Eat flapjacks... MORE »
Dear Syracuse University Basketball Team, I love you guys. No homo ““ but seriously. I want you. All of you. To be my friends. We should hang out. I’m sure we have lots in common. For instance, I love the game of basketball. You guys seem like you enjoy it. We could take long strolls... MORE »