To: USC University Park Community
From: Department of Public Safety
Re: Incident Resolution Notice
In an effort to better communicate with the campus community about public safety issues, we are pleased to provide the following Incident Resolution Notice.
This notice represents an effort to better detail incidents which have been deemed totally insane and/or hilarious by a majority vote within DPS and/or LAPD. We look forward to providing you with more updates of this nature.
Incident: Theft, aggravated assault, destruction of property, vandalism, arson, birdnapping, kidnapping, others
Date: January 07th, 2012
Location: Century Apartments
Description: On January 07th, 2012 various legal infractions took place on the fifth floor of Century Apartments. The complainant reported that she returned to her apartment a day early to discover pools of water in the entryway, a strong burning smell, and loud, inhuman screeching.
The suspect, the complainant’s roommate at the time, appeared wielding a plunger, soaked from the waist down and covered in red welts. She tried to return to the bathroom, slipped and fell.
The complainant alleged that the suspect said: “Just because you’re probably calling the cops right now doesn’t mean these weren’t totally the best pranks.”
The complainant noticed the suspect’s hair and clothes were singed and splotched with red paint. The suspect directed her attention to the complainant’s slippers that had been in the hallway for several weeks. Upon inspection, the complainant discovered that the slippers were filled with toothpaste. The complainant alleges that at this time the suspect cackled maniacally.
The complainant went on to allege that the suspect called her an inconsiderate, messy roommate and accused the complainant of leaving the apartment a mess over break. The suspect allegedly promised to “teach [the complainant] a lesson” and admitted to several destructive, illegal “pranks.”
The suspect infused the complainant’s face cloth with poison oak, apparently related to a past altercation about a musician, but also managed to cover a great deal of her own body in welts.
The suspect further explained that, since complainant’s alarm buzzes loudly every morning, an attempt to rewire it resulted in a small electrical fire which she managed to extinguish. She got excited by the fire idea and a little carried away, however, and burned all of the complainant’s clothes that had been left on the floor. When the fire grew out of control, the suspect tried to flush the clothes, clogged the toilet, and flooded the apartment (dampening the carpet-fires, she requested be pointed out).
Dirty dishes from the sink were strewn all around the apartment. Everything on the complainant’s side of the bedroom was turned completely inside out, with the mattress missing. A paper labeled “clue about where you can go to retrieve your mattress:” read “your mattress is in hell!!”
The periodic screeches were explained by the suspect, who said it was because the complainant often had disruptive guests over, but the half dozen parrots she bought were now trapped inside the air vents.
The complainant then noticed a boy sitting quietly on the couch – the suspect explained the guilt trip would be more effective in the presence of a child’s innocence. His name was Kevin.
The complainant alleged that the suspect quickly yelled “and you know how your Katy Perry posters are SO annoying??” and the complainant noticed red spray paint across one wall read “DIE DIE DIE.” Allegedly, Kevin helped.
Disposition: The suspect, loudly denying she had confessed to anything and blaming Kevin for the state of the apartment, was taken into custody. The validity of the complainant’s allegations have yet to be determined, but the suspect and Kevin are no longer potential dangers to the student housing community.
The suspect was arrested and the investigation into the validity of the complainant’s allegations is ongoing.
Sincerely,
USC Department of Public Safety
