Syracuse University has been a hub for construction and renovation since about 1870, and shows no sign of slowing down. There is no project too big for the university, as the implementation of two new buildings proves, but an important, yet highly unrecognized renovation seems to assert there is also no project too small.
“There’s no use hiding the fact that our main goal is to make Syracuse University visible from space,” said Chancellor Nancy Cantor. “We aim for the sky, but that doesn’t mean we ignore the ground.”
And Cantor’s words were heeded—literally.
After months of deliberation and planning, the university successfully removed a piece of metal near the main entrance of Ernie Davis Hall.
Once numerous accounts of students tripping over the object began to surface, administration launched a project to analyze the most efficient removal method, dipping into the “Miscellaneous Funds” account to do so. The process started in June and encountered many roadblocks along the way, due mostly in part to the university’s complex approval procedures.
“Do you know how hard it is to get anything approved here?” said Vice Chancellor and Provost Eric Spina. “It takes four months for a course petition to even get looked at—you can imagine how long it takes for this kind of action.”
The process seemed to be at a standstill, but the university was determined to vanquish the metallic horror that was wreaking havoc on the toes of its students.
“I really have no idea what you’re talking about,” said junior Dalmatians major Henry Nesbitt. “But thanks, I guess?”
The university desperately tried to mediate the problem using its existing resources, but after weeks of miscommunication with Fix-It, decided to search elsewhere for a solution.
SU reached out to Fujkyuall (the “j” is silent), an Albanian organization that specializes in the removal of small and intrusive objects.
The contract, which included $500 American, two pigs, three Cornish Game Hens and four peasant women to become the workers’ brides, was finalized in late August and the removal started in early September.
Students were not notified about the project because the university did not want to cause any alarm or discomfort.
“I mean, I’m used to hearing jack hammers at 6 a.m., but are you seriously saying SU spent money on this?” said freshman biology major Jack Doff. “How about they get a (expletive) escalator instead of the law steps?”
Fujkyuall worked diligently and completed the work in about six and a half minutes. A reception followed in the Heroy Geology Building lobby.
The removal of the mysterious metal object outside Ernie Davis was a feat that was quietly embedded in Syracuse University’s rich history. According to Chancellor Cantor, a scholarship program will be started to commemorate the metal object’s extraction.
Tentatively named the “UnSUng Heroes Scholarship,” $600,000 will be awarded to two
students who really do not deserve it.
As for the metal object, it can be found on display in a dumpster on Marshall Street.