Yet another edition of “Hazed and Confused,” where we accept letters from random frat pledges about their hazing stories. This one’s a doozie”¦

Dear Campus Basement,

I need help remembering what exactly happened to me, and I’m going to use this as a forum to inform others, as well as attempt to recover my own memories.

The hazing rituals that I undertook are all sort of clumped together. There was the typical goat-fucking, followed by the storied ritual of eating my own pubic hair (which was followed by more goat-fucking). Then, I remember drinking a keg of hot sauce, followed by eating a goat.

Come to think of it, I hope it wasn’t the same goat”¦

A few days later, when they unchained me from the goat carcasses, I was forced to sit inside a Nissan Maxima in the middle of a street while the brothers of the frat kicked the glass in and then attempted to turn the car over. Everyone was laughing, and throwing bottles at me.

After that, I sort of blacked out for a few days, though other pledges told me something about a pie-eating contest. I don’t really know what that was all about, though I heard there was an email going around. Something about eating a lot of pie. Or fucking a lot of pie.

I was just happy there weren’t goats involved.

I’ve been in a coma for two and a half months now, so my story may not be the most credulous. The last thing I remember was one of the brothers of the frat I was pledging (which I won’t name, just so they don’t kill me) dressing me in a wig and fucking me on a rooftop during a sorority event on campus. I don’t know if that actually happened, or if the LSD they force-fed me did something to my brain, though I have seen some photos online which are pretty incriminating.

So yeah. That sucked”¦