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Article by drewthegoose
November 7, 2012

Obama Admits to Being Muslim Antichrist, Sets End of World Date

President Obama announced Wednesday that he really is the Antichrist and also happens to be a socialist Islamic terrorist, and set a date for the end of the world. Just after being reelected Tuesday night, the president addressed his hometown of Chicago, Ill., where he revealed his not-so-shocking secret. “It is true, my fellow Americans,... MORE »

Article by drewthegoose
November 6, 2012

Local Satirist Too Busy to Write New Article

A satire writer at the University of Missouri announced Monday that he was “too busy” to write a new article. Anthony Dingleberry, a junior at MU, is the head editor and head writer for University Attic, a student-run satire blog. Dingleberry admitted in a press conference that his class and workload were too strenuous to... MORE »

Article by kevinmodelski
November 5, 2012

Plaza 900 Grille to become slaughterhouse

The popular University of Missouri dining hall Plaza 900 will turn its Grille station into a legitimate slaughterhouse. Mizzou Dining Hall Director Jared Harris said that the new slaughterhouse came as inspiration from his experience from eating and working at the Plaza 900 Grille. “I’ve been working at Plaza for quite some time, and the... MORE »

Article by drewthegoose
October 23, 2012

Freshman Dies in Homecoming Pomping Accident

A University of Missouri freshman died Monday after excessive tissue paper pomping. Robby Slawson, the victim in the accident, was pronounced dead by paramedics at 2 a.m. on Monday. Initial reports indicate that Slawson died from a combination of dehydration, exhaustion, asphyxiation and severe flatulence. “It was a big mess…just, really really nasty,” fraternity brother... MORE »

Article by kevinmodelski
October 19, 2012

Third Presidential Debate cancelled; Presidential Cage Match to be held instead

Only a few days after the second Presidential debate between President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney, the third debate was cancelled and will be replaced with the first ever Presidential Cage Fight. The United States Debate Organizer Squad (USDOS) conceived the idea after watching Romney and Obama exchange trash talk during the previous debate,... MORE »

Article by drewthegoose
October 17, 2012

Student Donates Blood to Save Money on Alcohol

A student at the University of Missouri donated blood Monday to save money on his alcoholic expenditures. Albert Coholic, a sophomore business major, gave blood at Mizzou’s annual homecoming blood drive. Coholic said that he has been waiting all year to make his donation. “I care a lot about the welfare of others and shit,”... MORE »

Article by drewthegoose
October 11, 2012

Student’s Case of Mudbutt Reaches Critical Mass During Midterm Exam

A student at the University of Missouri experienced the worst-recorded instance of mudbutt in history during his first midterm examination. Dalton Croggs, a sophomore at Mizzou, reported the incident Thursday after his exam ended at 3:50 p.m. Doctors at the Student Health Center treated Croggs and noticed that his underwear had suffered severe damage. Mudbutt,... MORE »

Article by drewthegoose
September 28, 2012

ESPN’s Mel Kiper Jr. Sues Mitt Romney for Hairstyle Copyright Infringement

Mel Kiper Jr. filed suit against Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney Friday for hairstyle copyright infringement. Kiper, the senior NFL draft analyst for ESPN, held a press conference at 8 a.m. Friday to announce his lawsuit. Kiper claimed that Romney’s hairstyle was a blatant copycat of his “legendary locks.” “After looking at several hours of... MORE »

Article by drewthegoose
September 22, 2012

Student’s Career Orientation Called Into Question

A University of Missouri student’s career orientation was called into question Friday by friends and family. Rudyard Bowen, a sophomore at MU, claims that he has been a business major for the last two years. While the University isn’t allowed to yield sensitive information, friends of Bowen say that the evidence against his claim is... MORE »