1) The Whining Emotional Wreck – This user, typically female, utilizes the Twittersphere as her own personal Kleenex. You know her daily hardships through the use of Taylor Swift lyrics and her public wish to “just cuddle with someone right now”. She thinks she’s sneaky when she retweets celebrities’ original depressing thoughts, but hate to break it you, Whining Emotional Wreck, we know you wish you came up with that line on your own. No one wants to cuddle with you. Why haven’t you unfollowed her yet? You don’t know. Deep down you may fear it might push her emotional instability over the edge. Or God forbid, she’d tweet about it.
On your timeline today: “@WhiningEmotionalWreck: Today couldn’t have been worse #OrYesterday #OrTomorrow #LateNightThinking #ImActuallyCryingRightNow #DontYouFeelBad?”
2) The Frat Star – This polo-sporting, womanizing frat bro doesn’t just use Twitter to inform his fellow brothers of where he plans to chug Natty Light tonight, but also to make sure everyone that follows him knows that he is indeed pumping iron on the regular in an infinite attempt to get “swoll”. “Anyone wanna go to the Rec in a little?” or “The Rec is soo packed #geeds” are casual Twitter ways of saying “I am on a constant mission toward getting pussy. If girls know that I lift weights daily with my fellow frat daddies, that will inch me further toward that goal.” Today we salute you, ass seeking frat man; your female followers secretly think you are homosexual. They are also freaked out by your avid obsession with the fact that you’re in a frat. As you scroll down @FratStar’s own timeline, you can’t miss at least one tweet about being Republican and/or women making sandwiches, one about some sort of fratty attire (or making fun of non-fratty attire; i.e., cargo shorts), and if you’re lucky or if it’s near Initiation, there will be one about how much he loves his frat or his brothers which will most definitely be followed by #NoHomo.
On your timeline today: “@FratStar: Gonna go lift with the boys #NoHomo. Dollar bottles @BengalsBar later #FratAsFuck. Hopefully there aren’t too many GDI’s there #IllCrushThemWithTheMusclesIGotAtTheRecEarlier #DontYouWannaHookUpWithMeNow?”
3) The Egomaniac – It is guaranteed that this girl is not even that attractive. Let’s just get that out of the way. However, she is so sure that the entire world wants to know her every move and wouldn’t cut them short by merely telling them, she also has to provide pictures. She’ll say “New necklace!” with a picture included…so you check it out. Girl, that’s an Instagram of your cleavage. And you regret your split-second tinge of interest at her jewelry buying decisions and wonder why you haven’t unfollowed her. In addition to providing a plethora of selfies, Egomaniac gives a play-by-play of her day while subtly trying to make herself sound desirable. Your day wouldn’t have been the same if you didn’t know that Egomaniac likes the color of her eyes today, or that she’s swamped with homework but totally wants to go to Fieldhouse tonight and it sucks she’s having a bad hair day (includes selfie with decent looking hair). At least you can avoid running into her in person if you can find her exact location by simply refreshing your timeline.
On your timeline today:
“@EgoManiac: Just got back from the gym! #IWorkOut and now making some food, check it out on Instagram! #WifeyMaterial”
Note: If you don’t believe you follow one of these accounts on Twitter….It’s you.