We are back to deliver you the greatest news of the week. And by greatest, we mean whatever people were sharing on Facebook.

Facebook Profile Picture Thing

On Facebook this week, millions of users changed their profile pictures to their favorite cartoon characters from their childhoods. There are mixed opinions on what the original intention of this fad was supposed to be, but the end result has been an influx of pedophiles being turned on by Tommy Pickles.

Alcohol Whipped Cream

Alcoholic whipped cream is the new Four Loko. According to sources, there are two flavors, Whipped Lightning (36 proof) and Canisters of Cream (30 proof). With Christmas around the corner, this is the perfect gift for the girl whose boyfriend is an alcoholic with sexual ice cream fantasies.

Lebron James Returns

Lebron James returned to Cleveland for the first time since taking his talents to South Beach, and was met with boos and catcalls. Lebron did most of his talking on the court putting up 38 points. He did, however, call for an hour-long ESPN special in the third quarter to announce that he was about to take his talents to the Cavs’ basket again and again and again…

Duke Fuck List

On Wednesday, Law & Order SVU aired an episode very closely resembling the Duke Fuck List scandal. The only difference was that, unlike the real Fuck List which featured detailed accounts of a girl’s sexual encounters with other students, this Fuck List featured all of the people who had been fucked over by NBC. One particular victim can be seen on weeknights at 11:00 on TBS.

Something About Soccer

The bid to host the 2022 FIFA World Cup was awarded to Qatar, where it is illegal to drink or have sex. As a result, the small Middle Eastern nation was already awarded with the 2022 championship trophy by default after the rest of the world suddenly claimed they couldn’t attend due to dinner plans with their in-laws.

WikiLeaks Leaks Leaks

For anyone living in a cave, WikiLeaks is tearing world government apart like a high school yearbook, specifically placing the focus on Hillary Clinton. For an example of how dangerous this document is, French leader Nicolas Sarkozy was referred to as “an emperor with no clothes.” Gasp! Don’t worry, though, Sarkozy diplomatically responded by calling Bill Clinton “the sluttiest girl in school,” and is reportedly releasing his own “burn book,” a la Mean Girls.

Robbers On Syracuse South Campus Profile Picture Thing

While students away, robbers make bank on South Campus. Four South Campus apartments were burglarized over Thanksgiving Break, but thanks to a DPS Don’t Tell policy, no one was notified about the incidents. The students whose property was robbed only found out thanks to the latest Wikileaks reveal.

NASA Discovers Something Worth Writing About

In press conference on Thursday, NASA excitedly revealed a type of microbe that can grow from arsenic. Scientists believe this may explain the possibility of alien life outside our planet. Because if there is one thing that can make NASA jizz its pants, its the idea of close encounters with an arsenic-eating ET.

Yahoo Is The Worst

Yahoo news made its best effort to make every current college student dread the moment he or she graduates by doing the unthinkable – the site released the latest stats on the average debt a college student accrues. While the average is approx. $24g, Yahoo lists several students now facing $1600 monthly charges due to a $200,000 worth of debt from private universities. It really makes things like Probability and Statistics for the Liberal Arts and Astronomy lectures really worth every penny.