On October 23rdI’m Shmacked” released a short movie of a “typical” weekend as a University of Miami

student. The video was filled with students getting…well…shmacked…at all sorts of outrageous parties, clubs, private islands, and tailgates (all with “prop” alcohol of course) during Homecoming weekend.  While the “Schmacked” series is a huge hit amongst the drugged out and drunken masses, there are many who haven’t taken things as well.  In fact, it has been reported that after viewing the video hundreds of UM students began to completely re-evaluate their college experiences.

“The schmacked video really made me realize how lame my life is,” remarked student Luke Pukatch.  “I keep trying to get out more, but something always seems to get in the way and before I know it I’ve spent the last 5 hours watching Netflix in my jammies.”

Several other students reported feelings of sadness and confusion. “I don’t know…when I saw that video I just got really down.  Those parties all looked like they rocked…but I’ve never done anything like that.  It was like being shmacked in the face,” said sophomore Alex McGuire (McGuire then proceeded to laugh uncontrollably for the next 3 minutes at his pun, which was a 4/10 at best).

For others the video evoked feelings of jealously, especially among those denied acceptance into Greek organizations. “All those fraternity brothers looked like they were having so much fun,” said Greek-reject David Creamer. He continued, “It must be nice being in one” before promptly jumping out a window and breaking his legs.

Some students, however, have questioned the accuracy of the video, claiming that going for swims on private islands, chugging entire handles of vodka, and co-eds spontaneously wrestling in a kiddy pools are not what actually happens at Miami.  When the various fraternities involved in the video were asked to comment on the claims, their brothers instead began twisting this writers nipples and doling out merciless wedgies.   I then ran off sobbing, with both my dignity and my underwear in tatters.

Article by: David Creamer