1. Nude Area on the sidewalk by the lake
Who wouldn’t want to go to a college that promotes nudity, especially considering the local talent we’ve got roaming around these parts? Other colleges limit their public nudity to the first rain of the year or only for a single mile. It’s high time that one university dares to do full frontal fully better. Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to go to a school where the five to ten minute walk to classes looks like a combination of Oxford and one really long porno? It would really get people EXCITED about school (see what I did there?). You could study with the brightest minds in the country, while still being able to get as close as possible to being in a porno without being disowned by your parents. And really, isn’t that what college is all about?
2. Our very own mythical creature.
Harvard, Princeton, Yale. All good schools, but they are also missing one thing: a mythical creature associated with them. It’s up to Miami to be the first campus home to an urban legend. Not only would that attract distinguished professors in the field of cryptozoology (Read: hobos), but UM could also profit off the ignorance of the masses (like our good friend Nevin Shapiro did). Potential candidates include “The Lake-ness Monster,” “The Grove Goblin, who steals your phone when you’re drunk,” and of course the ever elusive “Gloria Estefan.”
3. Statue of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
As indisputably the greatest alumni of any place ever, the eminence of D “The Rock“ J, should be clear at every corner of the U. Everything else the university is doing needs to be dropped ASAP so full attention can be paid to the task at hand. Silly things like the booster Scandal, Design-a-course, and the new student center are all meaningless if we don’t have a statue of THE ROCK on The Rock (location). I’m envisioning Augustus Rodin’s statue, “The Thinker,” with full wresting gear, while a projector through his mighty fist plays “The Game Plan“ 24/7. Also, the Alma Mater needs to be changed to include some mention of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. I vote for ” On Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s Wondrous Shore”
Think of the awe and wonder in the eyes of young students/wrestlers/actors as they behold the pinnacle of academic achievement. The Rock inspires greatness and commits to quality in everything he does. Our reputation will be as well received as the “Tooth Fairy“ ( which was snubbed by the Oscars”) and we’ll all be “Walking Tall” then.
