An appeal to the Miami athletics department:

As another bowl season comes to a close, I think it’s time we reflect on our goals for UM athletics. Frankly, our football team is the only thing anyone really cares about and it’s in bad shape. We’ve got NCAA sanctions on the way and besides, the SEC is going to win every national championship from now until 2040. Meanwhile our basketball team consistently draws intimidating 20-person home crowds, despite the Bank United Center being located 50 feet from the dorms, and until college baseball starts getting more airtime than the Little League World Series no one is going to care about that either. What we seriously need is a way to increase school support of our athletics, and I believe I know how.

Why don’t we take all that money we put into “real” sports and use it to expand into some new sports more suited to our strengths? The way I see it, we have two choices: We can either fight through ever mounting adversity in the hopes for a bid to the Taco Bell Stoner Bowl, or we could pack the trophy case with championship after championship in far more interesting sports that we would be a whole lot better at.  For example:

1. Competitive Tanning:  

I know we’re trying to get rid of the whole Suntan U stereotype, but that’s a little difficult when our intramural fields are packed every Monday morning with “scholars” doused in oil, wearing bathing suits that don’t leave much to the imagination. I say embrace it, and tan like champions.

2. The High Jump…For Fish:

Okay I have NO idea how the logistics of this would work, but seriously, have you seen the fish in our lake? Those things have more hops than Calvin Johnson. The sooner we start adding athletes of this caliber to our sports programs, the better. (Note: program boosters may under NO circumstances feed the fish! Seriously, the NCAA has strict rules about these things…) 

3. Beer Pong: 

We’re not even going to try to be discreet with this one. We’re a party school no matter what we try to tell ourselves, so we might as well just go for it. Our reputation alone would place us in the top 5 in the preseason pong power rankings. Jacory had his chance to go for the Heisman, now it’s our turn to go for the Heineken!

4. Impermissible-benefit-athon:

Now here’s a sport that we could easily convince members of soon-to-be-sanctioned sports teams to
join. Imagine the likes of Travis Benjamin dashing around at top speed collecting as many free dinners and prostitutes as possible! Imagine the excitement, the STI’s and the sheer illegality of it all! This event will no doubt bring a whole new meaning to the term “Moneyball.”

5. The Sprint of Shame: 

Participants clad in broken stilettos and oversized, unwashed button-downs race from frat row to the safety of their dorms. Points will be deducted if the competitors are caught considering long-term relationships with their sleeping partners, while points are awarded to those participants who go off to cry in the showers at the conclusion of the event. The Rookie of the Year will be awarded to the sheltered, northeastern virgin who has lost the most respect for herself at the season’s end.

So you say no one will go to these games either? Well they will when attending becomes a graduation requirement. I know attending random sporting events against your will doesn’t sound so amazing now, but consider this: You could get drunk and go watch anything. But now, instead of pre-gaming for an hour-long bus ride full of sweaty bros to witness Jacory Harris and Stephen Morris play a game of catch with the opponent’s secondary, you could be a five-minute stumble away from oiled up babes tanning their way to glory.

So I’m pretty sure I speak for the entire UM community when I say that right now UM athletics is like a guy at a party trying to get with a 10 and failing miserably. But why go after the 10 you’re never going to get, when you could have a whole bunch of 6’s.


Written by Maximus & Staff

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