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Ian Smith
Sex At Syracuse University At An All Time High (Ow Owwwww!)
According to people walking outside of dormitories, houses around Euclid Avenue and in broom closets of any academic building on campus, Syracuse University students are having sex at a rate higher than ever before. “Dudes are making sex to girls like all the time,” said sophomore Gobi Jones. “I’ve been buying stock in Dilly Dallys... MORE »
Syracuse Football Defeats East Jabib University For The Blind 38-14
The Syracuse University football program took a step in the right direction Saturday night, defeating Division I-AA East Jabib University For The Blind 38-14 with an explosive offensive display in the Carrier Dome. The 2-1 Syracuse Orange struggled in the first half, but exerted its power on the 1-2 East Jabib University For The Blind... MORE »
Study Shows Students Pretending to Take Notes on Laptops “Totally Fool Professors”
A study conducted last week concluded that every single student using a laptop computer during Syracuse University lectures were not taking notes, but rather, were constantly refreshing their Facebook pages for notifications, updating their fantasy football team or checking TextsFromLastNight.com for messages pertinent to their social lives and to their sexual habits. The study also... MORE »
Students Buying Textbooks in Schine Bookstore Still in Long Ass Checkout Line
Sophomore Brian Carter had an hour in between two afternoon classes last Monday so he thought he would buy his textbooks to pass the time. Little did he know that 168 hours later he would still be waiting in line. “I thought the line for the Aerosmith Rock “n’ Rollercoaster at Disney World was long,”... MORE »
In an Astonishing Turn of Events, Freshmen Begin Verbally Assaulting Upperclassmen
The individuals that make up the 2014 batch of Syracuse University freshmen are apparently quick on their feet and unyielding with their tongues. Dozens of SU upperclassmen filed hazing reports to the Department of Campus Safety on Sunday, claiming that several fresh-faced Orangeboys and Orangeladies verbally accosted them as they walked by dorm rooms on... MORE »
Ernie Davis Arises From Dead, Immediately Becomes Uncomfortable With Things Named After Him
Two years after having the Carrier Dome football field and a state-of-the-art residence hall named in his honor, legendary Syracuse University running back Ernie Davis arose from the dead this week to have what he called a “look-see” at how his alma mater had changed since he graduated in 1962. Upon seeing the field, the... MORE »
BP Chairman Chosen to be 2011 Graduation Day Speaker, Dimon Protesters Mildy Upset
Two months after the initiation of the oil crisis in the American Gulf Coast, Syracuse University Chancellor Nancy Cantor announced Thursday that British Petroleum Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg will give the Commencement Speech at the school’s 2011 Graduation Ceremony. Chancellor Cantor has extended an offer to the BP Chairman, but is still trying to determine if... MORE »
Sorority Girl Articulates Arab-Israeli Conflict, Uses the Word “Like” 42 Times In Process
A Syracuse University student has been taken into custody by DPS and charged with “Shaggy Rogers in the Third Degree” for using the word “like” an overt number of times while explaining the Arab-Isreali Conflict during a discussion in a recent Political Science class. Sources say the student is female and is a sister in... MORE »