An intoxicated student was found sitting by the bathrooms in the Hall of Languages early Monday morning, screaming “I’m so fucking hungry!” Apparently the student, Jeff Gaffstater, was still wasted from Juice Jam.

“They ran out of food at the Jam, so I be hungry today still, and drink still, so brought I brought my fork and knife,” Gaffstater explained. 

Officer David Castle was reported to the scene when many students complained of “the drunk kid howling by the bathrooms.” As Officer Castle handcuffed the student and escorted him out of the Hall of Languages, Gaffstater screamed, “Somebody burger me!” and threw up all over Officer Castle.

Gaffstater has been transferred to Syracuse Corrections Facility. He is reportedly still drunk, but has been fed. 

Gaffstater will not be allowed on campus until he either pays $500 in bail, or $3,000 for a SuperCard!

His knife and fork are currently for sale on eBay