3 consecutive snow days before December? I was supposed to have 3 exams that week, but all were canceled due to this Biblical storm.
As a result, after almost 22 years of steadfast denial, I now accept the existence of God.
We know that God made the world in 7 days. We know that Lehigh is the whole world.
Ipso facto, God created Lehigh in 7 days. How did He do it?
As Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin have shown us, Biblical interpretations tend to differ. Here’s mine:
Firstly, God is not Jesus, his father, Adonai, Allah, Buddah, or Bono. In fact, God is not even a Him.
She is…none other than Lehigh President Alice P. Gast. Here’s how She did it.
Before She got to work, She created extended release Adderall so She could focus the rest of the week.
On the first day, the Almighty Gast created the Office of Transportation & Parking Services. When she returned to Her holy abode that evening, She discovered a $50 parking ticket on Her windshield. Apparently, you can get tickets for parking in your own driveway.
At Parking Services, the empathetic and competent secretary explained to APG that it costs $200 per semester for a residential parking permit, but it comes with great perks!
During the week, She can park at the numerous, conveniently-located green and gold metered spots. She even gets 10 minutes for free! Wow! Additionally, the $200 permit gives Her access to the Zoellner garage for only $2 extra per entry. Booyah! Clearly, she can’t park there overnight, because spots are limited when the faculty go home.
She patted Herself on the back for a making a logical, generous, and helpful Parking Services, but she was still a little pissed about the ticket.
On the second day, our Heavenly Mother fashioned the STEPS building complete with a waterfall, its own security force, ergonomic seating, and motorized-projectors that recede into the ceiling.
Boom.
On the third day, She created the Offices of the Bursar and Registrar.
Our omniscient Sky Mother, with Her insatiable desire for knowledge, decided to register for a course on evolution to understand what Glenn Beck was complaining about on Fox News. Upon arrival at the Registrar, the office clerk preempted Her Holyness, “Sorry, but before you add a class, you must fill out this request form, make 6 copies on 6 different colored pages, get signatures from 6 Deans, walk to Wawa, bring the Registrar a tuna hoagie, pass the Excel competency exam, learn the Alma Mater in key of G, and pay the Bursar.”
After easily completing all the other tasks, our Lord and Savior, went to the Bursar to pay roughly $7,000 for 4 credits. Before She could say anything, the Bursar’s office assistant informed Her, “We take all forms of payment with the exceptions of check, money order, Visa, MasterCard, and American Express. All payments are non-refundable.” Luckily, She had plenty of C.R.E.A.M. in Her D&G wallet.
When Lord Alice returned to the Registrar with all the necessary credentials, the office clerk said brightly, “The evolution class is full. Please try again when it is offered 7 semesters from now. Have a nice day.”
Luckily, for the Registrar, She was a benevolent God.
On the fourth day, She created Greek Life, because She hoped MTV or VH1 would make a reality show about it. Unfortunately, MTV informed her that the Greek students were not “hot enough”.
Fail. Luckily, with the creation of Greek Life came an abundance of Natural Light and Banker’s Club. So, She went hard. Real hard.
On the fifth day, She was hungover as Hell so the day mostly passed Her by.
Despite her headache, She forced herself to get up and make the Office of Residential Services, so that the students would have somewhere nice to live.
Clearly, She wasn’t able to completely sober up before creating Res Services.
On the sixth day, the Chief Shepherdess made the Department of Athletics, because She wanted to blow off some celestial steam at the gym after a week of frustration.
Her intelligently designed 1.5 story fitness center had an abundance of treadmills fit for Gods. Somehow all of the treadmills were being used at 9 AM so she waited patiently for one to open up. 30 minutes later, She got one, but the belt started to slip under Her sanctified feet. Almost as if it was God’s plan, another treadmill opened up right next to her.
She had been running for 7 minutes when a angel with dark features, a large nose, Greek letters, fluorescent-pink Nikes, and leggings snuck up behind Her and politely remarked, “Um, I have this reserved.”
Gast swore, “Goddamnit!”
On the seventh and final day, God bought a dubsack of the Devil’s Lettuce, because the last six days had been stressful and She just needed a Goddamn toke. Oh rip!
You got a problem with that? Back the Hell off. Sorry, She’s not sorry.
Amen.
Your move, Tom Cruise.
