Ever had a guy reject you so obviously and humiliatingly
that the only way to mentally cope with the situation was to put forth all your
efforts into winning him over? Me
neither, but we all know someone like this. You know, the ever-pathetic girl, trying so desperately to
be wanted””nay””noticed by this guy who could literally not give
less of a shit about her existence.
Sucks to suck and get rejected, but I’ve observed a strange breed
arising from these girls not receiving reciprocated attention from the guy of
their dreams (who in reality is probably a coke addict with around three brain
cells). Predominantly emerging
from the socially binding pits of Greek life, I like to call these girls the Order
of the Phoenix; much like their proverbial counterparts, they rise from the
ashes of being unwanted and relentlessly throw themselves at the source of
rejection. Their stamina is
something I simultaneously loathe and admire, and regardless I cannot tell
whether it’s ethically wrong to find their self-objectification entertaining.
There are two reasons the Idiot Girl’s Guide to Seducing a
Guy Who Doesn’t Like you is particularly relevant at this juncture of the
semester. First, we’re in that
awkward period of time around twelve weeks into fraternizing where most Lehigh
relationships have already served their tenure. Typical Lehigh hookup timeline consists of 2-3 weeks of
progressively sexual behavior (if you have any dignity left at this point in
your collegiate career, that is; most of us accidentally play “just-the-tip’ on
night one and hope a pseudo-relationship evolves and the guy doesn’t write us
off as a total slut), 2-3 weeks of awkwardness where you like don’t quite
understand if you’re exclusively together so you either start squeezing in
random hookups before the inevitable “let’s not bang other people’ discussion,
OR you’ve realized you borderline hate this individual that you allowed inside
of you just a few days earlier, and now you’re avoiding him like a ten-year-old boy’s asshole
avoids Jerry Sandusky’s vice-gripped hands. The following three-to-eternity’s worth of weeks are devoted
to a general state of awkward ambiguity with your lost hookup love and everyone
in your tangential social circles.
Because Lehigh’s campus is so miniscule, it’s quite literally impossible
to avoid encountering a past hookup.
The breakup with said ex is either uncomfortable because of the
dysfunctional manner in which you ended (screaming at each other in highly
public places, sticking your tongue in someone else’s mouth in front of him,
etc.), or because one of you is lying about still wanting to fuck the other
(this overplayed “chill” and “mutual” breakup will no doubt reveal itself in
the form of a drunken “Come over” text).
Needless to say, a lot of people are in a lame and possibly sexually dry
limbo for the semester.
The second reason of relevancy for this article is that this
week is Lehigh-Laf, the most drunken and drug using of sagas for Mountain Hawks;
terrible, unholy things arise from this belligerent combination, the least of
which being the failed attempt to rekindle an old flame with unrequited love. Add a crazy, hormonal girl who is
probably also celebrating not being pregnant that month, and you’ve got
yourself the lethal prowess of an Idiot Girl.
So you’re asking yourself: “How do I achieve the degrading
title of idiot girl and also repel
the guy I’ve been schmoozing?”
Have no fear, because with these simple steps, you’ll for sure never get
ass again, nor will you be able to show your face on campus with any amount of
pride:
1.
Dress
like a desperate skank: I mean
if your good looks and charm didn’t win him over before, removing
three-quarters of the clothes you were wearing will make the resistant guy
think, “Golly, that sure is a girl to bring back to mom!” Really, nothing exudes “sophisticated
temperament’ quite like being able to see your areola, inner labia, or ass
crack at any given point in the evening.
2.
Get
Shitfaced: What’s more attractive than a girl wearing something along the
lines of dental floss and band-aids as an outfit? A girl wearing something along the lines of dental floss and
band-aids as an outfit who’s vomiting on herself. Sloppy drunk, while a state of inebriation I personally aim
to avoid (…), has its objective benefits.
Namely, loss of all inhibitions (showing your tits to a stranger at a
party), achieving an ultimate state of relaxation (falling asleep mid
conversation / slurring beyond comprehension), and finally, an enhanced sense of empathy and
sociality with other people at the party (making out with as many people as the
number of drinks you’ve consumed).
Getting shitfaced has the remarkable ability to make you believe you’re
at your coolest, most desirable state of existence when in actuality you resemble
a washed up townie just living the dream off campus. Corollary: should you choose to get shitfaced in order to
win over that certain special someone, have fun waking up feeling like you got hit
by a semi the night before. There’s
nothing like the smell of stale rejection coupled with nausea in the
morning!
3.
Drunk
text (drexting) Let’s be honest with ourselves; guys on campus have the
general stigma of being dumber than their female counterparts, at least when it
comes to courting (read: having casual sex with each other). Lunatic females who get any amount of
alcohol in their system, however, rival the most dominant idiocy of any man on
campus. Is the guy you have your
eye on not talking to you at a party and it’s making your blood boil with fury
and spite? Sending him eighteen text messages should do the trick to win back
his attention, even if it’s in the form of panic-stricken fear. Those subtle messages such as “hey,”
“why r u tlking 2 her?” “cool,” “go fuck urself we’re never having sex again,”
“bye,” “.,” and “I miss u,” will basically ensure that you end up on his
blocked numbers list. That, and
you’ll also probably get accused of pulling a Silence of the Lambs by attempting
to wear this dude’s skin around in remembrance of the love you never had. Common side effects of drunk texting
include reasoning with yourself that your text was sane/chill, convincing
yourself the reason he didn’t respond was because his phone died, and for those
losers who haven’t yet made the iPhone switch, incessant checking that the “delivered”
BBM sign did not in fact turn to “read.”
4.
Befriend his
friends: For those coy idiot girls out there, befriending your man’s
friends is a fantastic way to ensure you will be seeing the object of your
desire that evening without actually communicating with him. By monopolizing his entire social
circle, you have control of his plans for that evening by the grip of his balls
without leaving tangible evidence of your insanity. Conversations usually go along the lines
of a super casual text to his four roommates: “hey boiz, you guys wanna pregame
at our house tonight?? Beers on us, lol!” Don’t worry, no one will connect the
dots that you invited this guy’s whole pledge class and conveniently excluded
him. The key to pulling off
befriending his buddies is becoming a truly excellent bullshitter. When the guy shows up to your house
with his roommates, make sure your reaction is along the lines of: “OhMyGod,
Matt! What are you doing here?
This is like a total surprise OMFG I like totally didn’t know you were
coming! Do you want a beer?” At that point, it’s game, set, and
match for you, idiot girl, because you’re getting the dude shitfaced and he’s
not expensing it. I sense
statutory rape in the future!
So there you have it, you’ve got all the steps you need to
make a belligerent fool out of yourself this week. There are hundreds of more things you and I will both
witness idiot girls doing tonight, but I can’t write a fucking thesis on this
shit so you’ll take what I give you and you’ll like it. Remember, get this psycho behavior out
of your system now, because after college it’s called stalking and getting a
restraining order expunged from your record is difficult.
