Despite constant effort throughout the domestic student community in recent history, questions have been constantly raised, forever thought to remain rhetorical. These inquiries without a doubt have always delt with the obvious and potent body odor that many internationals strut around with like a new rhinestone jean jacket. “How the hell can somebody smell that bad in the middle of friggin’ winter?” and “Haven’t they seen an Old spice commercial? He was on a horse AND smelled good” have proven to be some of the peak concerns of local students within all departments (except math, physics, and engineering), and apparently doesn’t show signs of dying.
Gordon Reid, a sophomore pharmacy major could not stand the odor any longer, and felt that he could finally be the one to start a revolutionary front to end the uncomfortable, undesirable odors in the classroom and on the Stampede going to and from class. “I used to walk from Ellicott to the spine just so I didn’t get that smell stuck to me all day. I even stepped in dog shit once because I thought it may have been an upgrade” explains Gordon. “So that’s when I thought, I’m going to reach into the hearts and shirts of each international student, and coat each of their armpits with a neutral-smelling antiperspirant.”
Little did Gordon know that his efforts would not only be in vain, but he would be later mocked by students with green cards throughout the University.
Reid’s first student, Viqar Patel a junior physics major, appeared relatively interested in the message Gordon attempted to convey, but the conversation turned rather quickly. After a few minutes, Patel was able to finally begin to understand what Reid was trying to do; yet he began to show a rather smug and entertained look on his face, and began texting a friend.
This scenario played out a few more times, each time the student eventually growing either disinterested or appeared to patronize Gordon in one way or another. After a few days from first meeting Patel, he was seen on the Stampede heading from the Flint loop to his home, an attic in the University Heights, with a body odor as potent as sour diesel.
Although the problem still heavily persists throughout the UB community, it appears that Americans are beginning to understand the root of the problem. “At first I thought it was a lack of information, but based on my experiences so far, I’m pretty sure they just are all dicks” explains Gordon. When asked what the next step was, Reid appeared speechless. “I’ve got nothing. I think I’m going to invest in smelling salts. Either that or I’ll just chop my nose off.”