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connorc23

January 30, 2013

Anime Cosplayers and Dubstep Enthusiasts Plan Massive Party, Record Low Attendance Expected

Both anime cosplayers and dubstep enthusiasts alike have grown tired of being relatively companionless, and reports are surfacing that members from both subcultures have converged to plan what they believe will be the greatest, most life-changing party ever. The idea was the brainchild of Japanophile Chris Petersson, who Facebooked one entire acquaintance, Steven Clark, an... MORE »

December 1, 2012

Migrant Workers Allegedly Hired to Fill in Football Seats

As the football season wound down, so did the turnout of fans pouring into the football stadium. While investigating this phenomenon, The University of Missouri was accused of hiring migrant workers from around Columbia to fill in remaining student section seats in hopes of tricking alumni into thinking that everyone still cared about the football... MORE »

October 26, 2012

Dorm Homecoming Barbecue Defies Odds, Is Rousing Success

Year after year, the students and faculty at The University of Missouri expect the Greek community to dominate Homecoming festivities. This tradition was finally put to rest in the wake of a totally sick dorm Homecoming barbecue at Defoe-Graham Residence Hall. Defoe-Graham’s residents, and those from surrounding dorms, were polled prior to the event, and... MORE »

October 17, 2012

Cosmopolitan and Esquire Purchase MOVE Magazine

In a surprising move that also shocked no one, The Hearst Corporation, owner of both Cosmopolitan and Esquire, has acquired The Maneater’s very own MOVE Magazine. “I frequently write about when and how I’m getting laid and when I’m not, both in vast detail,” MOVE writer Samantha Jensen said. “Then I was offered a job... MORE »

October 3, 2012

Extensive Research Reveals that Mizzou Basement Writers Can Work Well While Intoxicated

In a recent study conducted by Mizzou Basement staff and collaboratively supervised and published by the Harvard University Press, CERN, The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives, and Vladimir Putin’s cabinet, it appears that the writers and photo artists at Mizzou Basement can write their articles and photoshop under the influence of alcoholic beverages... MORE »

September 25, 2012

Acid Shortage Dire, Artsy Students and Faculty Desperate

The availability of lysergic acid diethylamide has dropped 90 percent, and right-brained students across campus are becoming desperate. Professor Emeritus of Toxicology Marcus Johnston was arrested one week ago for the manufacture of the drug in the shed behind his house. Among the most severely affected by this shortage are students of Philosophy and English,... MORE »