Um, like, not doing it”¦
Ugh, unfortunately our bodies require ingesting some form of
calories in order to keep our generally non-jaundice complexion, major organs
functioning, and hairlines not resembling that of Larry David. But conundrum! Idiot Girls have
impossibly flat stomachs and supple breasts to maintain too. It’s not easy to hide not eating for like
six days in order to stay in shape for spring break, but you know what else
isn’t easy to hide? Getting a big
fat fucking ass from chowing down bagels and shit. Luckily, Idiot Girls are crafty motherfuckers and nearly all
of them have figured out a balance that ensures almost constant starvation
without actually dying from malnutrition.
I know you all think you’re being discreet with your unhealthy,
ill-advised calorie-cutting, but why keep the tricks of the trade to
yourselves? Here comes skinny
competition!:
1. Is Butter a Carb?: The enemy of looking hot is eating a
carb, and accordingly we sorority active young university women must
treat bread and anything else in its food group like a species to be wiped out
in a genocidal wave. Step one to
not joining the ranks of the 120-pound woman (in the mind of the Idiot Girl
this might as well be super-morbidly obese) is to eliminate all things beige
from their diets. It is imperative
that anything in the beige family””bread, French fries, ice cream, tortillas, a
frat star’s penis and consequent cum””is replaced with quite literally anything
green. Lettuce wraps, spinach,
broccoli, fruit rollups, it doesn’t matter what. The color green inherently makes food look like a vegetable
regardless of if it is, so at the very least you’ll have yourself convinced
that what you’re doing is healthy.
Never heard of someone gaining a muffin top from eating too many
cucumbers, now have you, Idiot Girl?
Note: the exception to the green substitution is pickles. Do not eat pickles. You’ll get bacne and your jaw-line will
become lost in a bloated mass of fluid that you call a face.
If the lateral from beige to greenery fails, try using a
rice cake instead. While
theoretically beige in color and therefore should be a no-no, it brings around
the same degree of joy and same amount of calories as masticating dried out
silly putty. Who doesn’t love eating
an indigestible mass of paper mache that’s been lightly salted for all snacking
purposes? Bonus, it will take your
body approximately seven years to actually digest this pasty arts and crafts project,
which was by some inconceivable fault of humanity given the misnomer of
“cake.’ My recent research shows
rice cakes are of the same chemical nature as packing peanuts, thereby making
them edible by definition, just not in any way a humane thing to eat.
In summary, green food is good. Beige food is the personified devil. And orange will food will give you
scurvy. Also, gingers.
2. Pretending Your
Eating Disorder is a Gluten Allergy: At the turn of the 21st
century, some genius discovered it was actually possible to eliminate entire
food groups from your diet using the guise of medical wellness while
simultaneously avoiding looking like a total anorexic whore. The loophole you might ask? Gluten allergies!
Having a gluten allergy gives you the license to have
conversations like this out in the open, instead of hiding your exceedingly
decreasing intake of food and throwing it up later like normal people: “Hey Sarah, do you want a slice of
pizza?” “No, my doctor says I will literally keel over and die if I ingest the
gluten present in that crust.
Thanks though, babe!”
Not only is a fake gluten allergy handy when it comes to
shedding some weight before [insert any day of week here] or just in general to
look skinnier than all the other Idiot Girls who continue to pound thousand
island dressing and croutons to the face (amateurs), it also helps when trying
to avoid those pesky calorie-filled keg thingies at parties. “Sorry Kev, I’m allergic to the wheat
in Natty Light, any chance you boys have vodka left? Thanks boo!”
So why haven’t we noticed all the Idiot Girls using this as
an excuse to weigh a consistent 90 lbs. and never ingest more than a spoonful
of humus after a 2-hour elliptical sesh?
Because the term “gluten allergy’ is ambiguous as fuck. Saying “allergy’ terrifies other
suspecting Idiot Girls and tells them back the fuck off because, like, shit,
you could like, die or even worse throw up from eating a triscuit (conniving
skinny bitch). What the fuck is a gluten even? No one knows.
All you need to understand is that whatever a gluten is, it makes your
thighs look like cottage cheese and also makes approximately zero guys
interested in hooking up with you.
3. Munching on Adderall or Any Other Amphetamine: Idiot Girls on the go have plenty of
shit to do that will keep others distracted from the fact that you haven’t
consumed anything more than a cheese cube in 32 hours. Raving, studying, and raging are all on
the frequented activity list of the average Idiot Girl, but they’re not fucking
super humans, and being that we are at Lehigh, the majority of us are dependent
on drugs to keep us functioning at our most basic levels, anyway. Idiot Girls are essentially the be all
end all authorities on Adderall, coke, molly, or cigarettes. Don’t have time to indulge in a fatty
tuna roll or perhaps even a dollop of Chobani yogurt? Chain-smoking when you’re cracked out of your mind at the
library is your next best bet to burn away cals and keeps your body
artificially operating as it slowly begins to resemble a formaldehyded corpse . Not only will this meth-head
combination shrink your stomach to around the size of a pinky nail, but there’s
also a good chance you’ll flush out the UTI you got from the dirty fratstar who
finger-blasted you last night from the amount of urinating you’ll be
doing. There’s something about the
chemical makeup of amphetamines that makes you feel like a small creature is
residing on your bladder and using it as a squeeze toy. Pissing every twelve minutes can be a
drag, but at least you know what your aborted pregnancy last month has you missing
out on. Whatever. Peace out, water weight.
4. Drunk Eating: Because Idiot Girls
consciously deny themselves of any sort of satisfying meal during the sobriety
of the day, when their blackout subconscious takes over they tend to house
their entire industrial-sized kitchen’s worth of food. And not even just a normal person,
regularly proportioned meal with evenly distributed fat, protein, and oil;
we’re talking eighteen pigs in a blanket chased with forty-two chicken fingers
and approximately three Costco-sized bags of nachos (or as I like to refer to
it, my Friday brunch). The Idiot
Girl late nighters slightly resemble those obese two-year-olds featured on Maury who eat like a bucket of KFC and four
liters of soda for breakfast, only Idiot Girls are sadder and weigh less than
those fat fuck babies. What did you think would happen when you deprived your
body of a few simple edible joys in life (the occasional slice of pizza, deli
meat with bread, salad doused in a
dressing other than balsamic vinegar) for months on end? No fucking duh, the next thing you know
your unconscious psyche plots revenge on your sickly-looking, pilates-toned ass,
and you’re found gargling the left over oil from the deep fryer circa 2am. Now all that hard work of replacing
meals with liquids and justifying a quarter bag of carrots as dinner has been
shot to hell, and you’re going to wake up with a compressed sack of trans fat
in your lining your stomach. A
recommendation to keep yourself from drunk eating: start hooking up with someone (see The
Idiot Girl’s Guide to Seducing a Guy Who Doesn’t Like you). If you eat this way in front of a male
counterpart, you should probably just scrap any future wedding plans now and
buy a cat or twelve. Have some
dignity and burn calories sucking a dick or something.
5. Over-exercising to
Compensate for ^ Drunk Eating:
So you fucked up last night and woke up spooning a half-eaten burrito
with a disconcerting amount of parmesan cheese accumulated in your bed. No big deal, because if you’re the
Idiot Girl that I know and believe you can be, you’ll spend the next day as a
sadistic glutton for punishment in the gym. Morale for the other Idiot Girls will be at an all time high
as you begin weeping and publicly flogging yourself on the treadmill for
consuming white bread in lieu of whole grain the night prior. Eight miles of sweating out booze and regret
later, and you’ll probably be satisfied enough to return home, only to brag to
your fellow Idiot Girl Roomies about what you accomplished. This is all well and good though,
because the more you chat about your workout, the more calories you burn, and the
fatter your fellow Idiot Girls will feel.
The Fung Shui of the world has returned, and you’ll be feeling right as
rain until the next time your body is depleted of its nutritional resources and
is forced to inhabit the behavior of the average IHOP occupant. After consuming nothing more than the bacteria
in the air for a few days, you should be back to your pre drunk-binge weight. It’s a vicious cycle, my friend.
Addendum: This
article is really inappropriate and offensive. Thanksgiving fucked up my body image. Sorry I’m not sorry.
