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Kevin Slack
February 9, 2011

Rosa Parks Pretty Underwhelmed by Centro Memorial Bus Seat

In a press conference held Wednesday, civil rights advocate and legend Rosa Parks announced that Centro’s effort to memorialize her courageous activism was “a good effort” but “pretty lame overall.” Every Centro bus has a sort-of-fake-gold-looking oval sticker peeling off over a seat on the right side of the vehicle, proclaiming that seat to be... MORE »
February 2, 2011

University Shocked to Learn of Women’s Basketball Team

In the wake of allegations of sexual harassment by women’s basketball coach Quentin Hillsman, much of Syracuse University was stunned by the revelation that the college also has a basketball team that girls can play on. “Get out of town,” junior marketing major Greg Cameron said, when asked for his opinion on the charges that... MORE »
January 19, 2011

Student Ignores Social Cues, Actually Tells Peer How Winter Break Was

It was just another semester starting for Harold Ness. Back from a long, relaxing, and at times tedious winter break, the SU sophomore was ready to return to a daily routine. “It’s been good to be back, see all my old friends,” Ness said. For the most part. Ness was walking across the quad early... MORE »
December 17, 2010

DPS Announces Hiring of Kevin McAllister, Age 8, as South Campus Security Consultant

In the wake of numerous South Campus apartment break-ins over Thanksgiving break and in recent weeks, the Syracuse Department of Public Safety announced in a press conference Thursday the hiring of child prodigy Kevin McAllister as a private security consultant. Mr. McAllister’s primary task will be to beef up anti-burglary measures in South Campus apartment... MORE »
December 9, 2010

With Four Loko Ban Date Approaching, Scientists Already Working on Other Ways to Kill Selves

The last day which liquor stores may sell alcoholic energy drink Four Loko in stores is fast approaching. On December 10th, all Four Loko cans remaining on shelves must be disposed of. College students across the state are in a frenzy, buying up case after case of Four Loko, in preparation for Four Loko Prohibition.... MORE »
December 1, 2010

Newly-Single Freshman Loses Confidence in Record Thirty Seconds

Sam Harper is feeling good. He’s free. Two days ago, he announced to the press and the Facebook community that he had broken up with his high school girlfriend of two years, Kristen Shaw. Now Harper, sans-girlfriend, is “out on the prowl again,” as he characterizes it. “It just had to happen, man,” He tells... MORE »
November 10, 2010

An Open Letter to the Girl Next to Me at the Football Game

Dear Girl,  First of all, let me say that I’m really glad to see you out here supporting our football team in their quest to become bowl-eligible for the first time since 2004. It’s pretty sad that a huge chunk of our student section is still empty, especially when we’re 6-3.  That being said, please... MORE »
November 3, 2010

DPS, Syracuse Police Arrest 14,000 Males Wearing Sweatshirts

In a sweeping attempt to crack down on the rash of armed robberies in recent weeks, hundreds of police vans and buses swooped in Wednesday afternoon and rounded up 14,000 white males wearing hooded sweatshirts and sweatpants.  “After interviews with the victims,” SPD spokesman Lt. Dan Starks said in a press conference, “we concluded that... MORE »
October 27, 2010

NEWS FLASH: Girls Dress Like Prostitutes on Halloween

Whoa, I just realized something.  Ever notice that like, most of the year girls wear leggings and those leather boots (awesome) or Uggs (disgusting) and like a black Northface Jacket? I know, right? Like EVERY GIRL DOES. It’s crazy! Well like…Halloween rolls around, and all the girls go out in these like, really, really slutty... MORE »