It’s the most potent shit on the market, outlawed in
Pennsylvania and guaranteed to absolutely skull fuck your entire week. Imagine
Matt Damon’s full frontal blackout in the Bourne Identity, supersized with a
twist of orange Kool-Aid. BOOM, EVERCLEAR.


At 38 bucks a pop and 95% alcohol per volume, grain alcohol
is truly a bang for your buck. One shot of this shit and you’ll feel as if
Thor’s mighty hammer has literally Sandusky’d your ass. Side effects include
particularly boisterous behavior, ranging from verbally assaulting Hawks Nest
employees, to frequently and most regrettably sucking face with chicks that not
even the Stiffmeister would look favorably upon. There are only one way tickets
aboard the grain train, and the last stop usually has you praying to the
porcelain gods, unaware that you’re asshole friends have decorated your upper
lip with a Hitler mustache and your cheeks with two elaborately crafted dicks.
The stuff is truly wild.


I wish you all the merriest of blackouts and may the
delicious grain flow this Lehigh/Laf week like the rivers of Jordan. AMEN!