President Nikias discussing his Master Plan with USC students. President Nikias discussing his Master Plan with USC students. (Credit: Dylan Harris)

As USC continues its restoration and expansion into the area around the University Park Campus, President C.L. Max Nikias and other school administrators now realize it would have been wise to brainstorm a little more before settling on naming their initiative the Master Plan.

USC’s Master Plan – which has nearly nothing to do with Adolf Hitler’s similarly titled Master Plan to restore power to Germany and create a master race of Aryans – will create new student and community housing, fund the construction a new state-of-the-art dining and entertainment area where the University Village currently stands and definitely not call for the mass genocide of millions of Jews and minorities. Originally envisioned by former USC President Steven B. Sample, the project gained traction when President Nikias seized office in 2010 and made it a major priority. Yet, the unfortunate name of the project created some confusion among the student body about its true intent.

“When I heard that President Nikias wanted to renovate University Village I got excited by all the crazy possibilities. But, when I heard him refer to it as the Master Plan, I felt some unease,” said Joshua Goldbergstein, a junior majoring in Accounting. “There’s just something about a European man with an accent referring to his Master Plan that makes me think the worst.”

When presenting their project goals to the Los Angeles City Council for approval to move forward with the Master Plan, USC administrators obviously did not bring up irrelevant topics such as Mein Kampf and race purification and instead highlighted the 12,000 new jobs the plan would create upon completion by 2030. After listening to the presentation, skeptical City Council members realized the school only wished to heavily gentrify the downtown Los Angeles area – rather than an entire race of people – and the project received unanimous approval.

“At that moment, it became a no-brainer for us to approve this fair, well-intentioned Master Plan that has absolutely no ties to the Nazi Party,” said City Council President Jan Landa. “We just had to make sure before giving it the official two heils up.”

While many members of the USC administration certainly wish they could change the unfortunate name of their initiative, most agree that the ominous title has miraculously failed to hinder any progress. Until it creates a major roadblock in fundraising efforts, there are no plans to change the project’s title – just as there are no plans for USC to start supporting fascist ideologies in any capacity.

“I assure USC students, alumni, donors, and the greater Los Angeles community that the USC Master Plan is not my first step in any effort to become absolute ruler of the world through military expansion,” shouted President Nikias at a recent pep rally. “The title is nothing more than a serious lapse in judgment on the part of the USC administration.”

Among the literally thousands of better project names, USC failed to even briefly consider: ‘The Village Expansion Project,’ ‘Trojan Progress Initiative’ and ‘A School Plan That Totally Does Not Call for the Extermination of Jews and Restoration of a Supreme Race.’