Danny Fersh

March 28, 2011

Five SU baseball fans I can’t stand

From November through March, there is no better place to bea sports fan than Syracuse University. For those long, cold winter months every year the entire student body unites behind one of the nation’s best college basketball programs, as if to use the body heat emanating from Scoop Jardine’s perfectly round head to warm our collective... MORE »

March 4, 2011

Sources: Yelling drunk guy on Euclid “really cool”

Sophomore Arts and Sciences student Timothy Eugene thought his drunken coolness was going largely unnoticed as he walked home empty-handed and disappointed from a party at approximately 12:47 am last Saturday when he decided to do something bold. “Fuuuuuuucccckkkkk this SHIT!” he yelled as he strolled down the street, shocking a few unsuspecting freshmen on their way to Kimmel.... MORE »

February 17, 2011

Female broadcast journalism major takes seven hostages in Newhouse editing suites

Fed up with Avid, SD cards, and that fucking error message that keeps popping up on the computer screen, junior broadcast journalism major Alison Hayden isn’t letting anyone in or out of the Newhouse editing suites until she’s done with “this bullshit assignment that shouldn’t even count.” Sources say the suspect, who is 5’5″ and... MORE »

February 10, 2011

Hey teacher, let Smooth D give you a lesson in love

Professor.  Come on.  You know you want a piece of this Grade-A-prime-cut-extra-tender-plump-and-juicy-satisfaction-guaranteed manly deliciousness.  Quit playing. Go ahead and deny it all you want.  I’m patient. I know you’ll realize sooner or later that I’m just too irresistible for you to keep reading that newspaper while I spit my game.  Just put down that article... MORE »

February 3, 2011

Sources: Freshman engineering major is gonna get some this weekend

According to multiple reports, freshman engineering major Bobby Stevens will spend a large portion of the upcoming weekend smashing poonani. Sources close to the freshman say that he fully expects his recent dry spell to come to a crashing halt as he gets laid “daily, nightly and ever so rightly.” Although it’s unknown at this... MORE »

January 27, 2011

Roethlisberger, Mendenhall to avoid eye contact until after Super Bowl

After their long-suppressed mutual attraction erupted into a beautiful act of backfield romance  during last Sunday’s AFC championship game against the NewYork Jets, Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall and quarterbackBen Roethlisberger will awkwardly avoid each other until their team plays again““ in the Super Bowl.“It was a one-time thing,” Mendenhall told reporters afterhe deflowered his... MORE »

January 26, 2011

Before and After Spain

After spending first semester abroad in Madrid, I drove up to Syracuse last month to spend exam week on campus.  I had missed my friends dearly during my four-month European adventure, but the truth is that I didn’t drive seven hours from Maryland to Syracuse because I wanted to see them. The reason I drove... MORE »

October 15, 2010

Faculty “Extremely Proud” of Students Who Use Class Time to “Do Cultural Stuff.”

Madrid, Spain ““ Professors at Syracuse University’s Madrid campus are pleased to find that dwindling attendance numbers in their classrooms are due to the increased number of students who use their class time to “do cultural stuff,” and have nothing to do with the large crowd of kids eating potato chips in the courtyard.  “It’s... MORE »

October 13, 2010

Women of Spain Renew “Look But Don’t Touch” Policy for Fiscal 2011

Madrid, Spain ““ In a nearly unanimous vote, the Association of Spanish Women passed a measure today to extend their long-standing policy of “Look but don’t touch” toward any and all men they meet.  With the exception of a few holdouts that clearly had too much sangria during their afternoon siesta, the ASW spoke with... MORE »