Crispy Spumoni

November 14, 2012

Obama Seeks to End Ban on Illegal Immigrants in Military

The Obama administration met with the Pentagon last Friday to discuss the implications of overturning the current ban on undocumented immigrants serving in the military. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta supports the measure, saying, “Let’s celebrate our rich diversity and renew our nation’s commitment to equality for all.” Many strong, eager patriots have not enlisted in... MORE »

October 18, 2012

Product Review: The Newly-Resurrected Astro Pop

Astro Pops, the classic conical suckers with fruity, tricolor tiers, are back on the market after an eight-year hiatus. With Tricks and Treats Night fast approaching, my research assistant from Phi Beta Kappa sorority house volunteered to test the newly-returned candies with me. Food scientists designed Astro Pops to be poured directly into a plastic... MORE »

September 29, 2012

Facebook Timeline is Publicly Displaying Private Notes

Due to a suspected recent tech glitch, a number of Facebook users have begun seeing private messages from years ago published on their Timelines for all to see. (Editor’s note: The controversial new Facebook Timeline design allows users to browse a profile’s history by year. When users click on a year, Facebook displays all the... MORE »

September 15, 2012

Study Finds Surprising Cause of Weight Gain

by guest writer Kurt Steiner A new study from the Foundation for Medical Research (FMR) identifies a previously overlooked symptom of weight gain to be a possible cause of the malady. The suspect? Oversized pants. According to Dr. Jack Wyman, the lead scientist for the study, “A whopping 72% of those who had serious weight... MORE »

September 14, 2012

NYC Board of Health Declares War on Cups

Approximately 600 million large cups are destined for NYC dumpsters after the city’s Board of Health unanimously approved a ban on large sodas and soft drinks at restaurants, food carts and movie theaters. The ban, championed by Mayor Bloomberg in an effort to curb obesity rates, will not affect dairy beverages, alcoholic potations, juice, or... MORE »

September 13, 2012

Romney Says Obama is Anti-Christ

In a shocking revelation, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney suggested that President Obama has purged God from his heart, citing Obama’s last minute request to reinsert ‘God’ into the platform at the DNC convention after it had been removed. Progressive blogger and Unitarian Pastor Kimberly Blume-Jackson rebutted, “How dare Romney or anyone else say the... MORE »

March 27, 2010

Student Goes Through Complicated Procedure to Purchase Vending Machine Item

Angie Malone was pulling an all-nighter in Bird Library — her proposal for IST 659 was due at 5 PM the next day — and it came to the point where her hunger pangs made it impossible to concentrate. A vegan, she was drawn to the $0.85 Swedish Fish offered in a nearby vending machine.... MORE »

February 28, 2010

Pages Affiliates Brokenhearted Over Cafe’s Planned Menu Redesign

Since its grand opening in 1953, Pages patrons could stand in line and ponder their lunch or breakfast choice while viewing a rotating display of options on a TV screen. This screen continues to be a fixture of Pages to this very day. “We were pioneers then,” cafe founder Ansel Whitmore reminisced, “We had the... MORE »

February 26, 2010

International Student Inquires About Christmas Day Internet Access

Shuodong Du, a first year graduate student in the iSchool’s Information Management program, was visibly concerned when he stopped by the Bird Library reference desk last Thursday. After checking the library’s hours online, he was flabbergasted upon learning that the library would be closed for all of Christmas Day 2010. “I have my own laptop,... MORE »