Every university has their claim to
fame graduate, an alumni that has put their college on the map. Sure Ivy League
schools like Harvard, Yale and Princeton have prestigious graduates who have
occupied the office of the presidency, drafted prolific literature and
genuinely shaped the world in which we live. Yet how many of those prodigious schools
have produced a mediocre politician whose crowning achievement was the exposure
of his congressional johnson? I can think of only one example, the famed SUNY
Plattsburgh Alumni, Anthony Weiner.
politician’s lives are fraught with scandals; Obama was born in Kenya, Bush was
the anti- Christ, Nancy Pelosi is the embodiment of a sentient alien being, all
proven facts. These facts, however, bear no relevance on the life of a
Plattsburgh student. (To qualify this, the “life” of a Plattsburgh student
consists of drinking PBR and bitching about their choice in school). Unless a
current event pertains in any way to those two factors it is outside the
average PSU student’s spectrum.
Weiner scandal, no pun intended, (well actually it was) shook the Plattsburgh
community. Professors were outraged, administration officials took to the
streets and the students, well, they were mostly unaware. The only reason Weinergate
(so many wiener jokes, so little time) came to light was because some random
PSU student accidently paused on CNN when flipping channels between late night HBO
(thanks P Burgh for the free porn) and Comedy Central’s endless repeats of
Futurama. The kid’s drug addled mind picked up on the words “Weiner” and “Plattsburgh”
in the same sentence. This magician of logic then realized that he was in
Plattsburgh and that wieners are funny, both completely relevant concepts to
his life. Realizing the combination of the two could potentially propel his
closet standup comedy career, further research was deemed necessary. A quick Google search of the key words landed
some surprising results, namely that a Plattsburgh Alumni with the all too
comical last name of Weiner was making headlines for showing his, well, wiener!
Bingo, Yahtzee, Connect Four – what a story and so the Weiner jokes began.
political pickle (I couldn’t help myself) became quite the sensation on the P-
burgh campus. If you ask any matriculated student about the moment Weinergate broke,
not only can he/she tell you where they were, they can tell you the very color
of the underwear they were wearing –while snap-shotting their junk. It was a
prolific instance in the land of the cold white north, and one we shant soon
forget. It isn’t everyday that a Plattsburgh student, matriculated or of alumni
status, makes the news; that is unless one counts the stories of alcohol
poisoning or related offenses, if that were the case than it actually would be
every day. Regardless, the cocksure (too much?) Anthony Weiner put PSU on the
map. So we thank you Weiner for your contributions to the Plattsburgh State
name, you helped Plattsburgh State University College become recognized not
only for the production of semi- functioning alcoholics with useless degrees
but also for the creation of self obsessed, penis displaying politicians.
Cheers Weiner, may your future be filled with penis stuffed
boxer briefs and “hacked” twitter accounts.
-I [personally would like to add an additional
thanks to former representative Weiner for putting the “pun” in pundit. (I am
done now, I promise