Note: The Editor and
Head Writer of the Plattsburgh Campus Basement has received an anonymous
article written by a PSU fitness major who would only allow himself to be
identified as “Lil’ Boy”. The article seemed comedic (due to its sheer ignorance) so I thought it was worth publishing. However it is
important to remember that the author of this piece is in fact a fitness major;
meaning his grasp on the english language is minimal at best. Additionally, any
ignorant comments or remarks made are to be expected as this man attends SUNY
Plattsburgh and lifts weights in order to receive his diploma. I hereby bear no responsibility for the offense and upset brought by the
publishing of this piece. Cheers.

The Plattsvegas
Melting Pot

As with
any college or university in the United States, each new academic year draws
young and ambitious matriculates from all different parts of the country and
world. SUNY Plattsburgh is no exception
to this trend and is a perfect example of cultural and ethnic diversity. It’s nothing short of extraordinary how all
these different cultures and demographics come together to accomplish a common
goal, whether it being a move to a more superior country than their own, or to
receive a better education and degree, or maybe to simply get a better job and
salary, but most likely to just party like its 1988. This shared goal puts us all in a position
where we must interact, spend time, and learn from one another in order to
succeed academically or just have a better stay while attending Plattsburgh

from the area, it is quite interesting observing all the different types of
people that come here, whether they are from Staten Island or the island of
Japan. The characteristics, attitudes,
beliefs, customs, and traditions are all unique and the people range from
completely egotistical jack wagons to innocent, barely bi-lingual
foreigners. I would like to take a
little time to break down and discuss the different types of people that
migrate north each fall to attend the upstate New York college.

One of
the most prominent and parasitic groups of organisms that flood the campus each
year, and stick out like sore thumbs would be the Long Island species. Now, there are a large variety of kids from
Long Island some cool and some pathetic but all interesting nonetheless. I have met many people from Long Island and a
lot have become good friends of mine and these kids are the ones that pass the
standards of acceptable human beings. The majority of the remainder, however,
are some of the tooliest, bro-est, cocksuckers this side of the Mason-Dixon
line. They speak with an ungodly accent
that must be the end result of when the immigrants first came to this beautiful
country, but I cannot fathom how it developed into what they now speak. A good majority of the women from Long island
also possess this accent and it will turn a man off faster than Sarah Jessica
Parker. It’s an eclectic mix of brat, silver
spoon, jive-turkey, tribal speak that I cannot even begin to explain. All I can
say is that only through personal experience may you hear and mis/understand
the acoustics that come out of these people’s throats. Also, no matter what part of Long Island
these people originate from they are all Jets fans and their skin tone is
noticeably darker than the average New Yorker.
It’s strange too because at first I was just convinced that every douche
from Long Island went tanning and took anabolic steroids, but some of my Long
Island friends are darker skinned and I know they do not go to tanning
salons. The question of why their skin
resounds a darker shade is better off if left for scientists to answer. Additionally, the vast majority of them are egotistical
buffoons who believe they are the son of God himself and consequentially gifted
with omnipotence. They feel they can
drink anyone under the table even though their mouth is only slightly larger
than their balls, and they let that bulldog mouth overload their puppy dog
asses. They also feel every chick who
walks by them wants their dick even though they may be uglier than a horses
ass, and this unfortunately feeds their un-resting ego. These people also claim to have tons of
“boys” down in the city who can “hook them up” fat and cheap, with the dankest
fish scale that Noriega hand delivered to them and will bitch and moan about
almost any narcotic, whether it being the quality or the price, yet they fail
to bring up their own head stash and would rather cry about it for reasons
unknown. Most of them have never even
seen a farm before, or smelled manure fields or watched cattle graze. Many have yet to learn the value of a dollar
or the strength of their own backs, but they are perfectly content with letting
their rich parents take care of everything for them. Now again, this is only a select section of
people and many Long island kids that come up here may be poor or black, so
this does not apply to them. Lastly on
this matter, I would like to say that there are many guys and gals from the
city that I have become dear friends with and this was not meant to
offend. Yet the percentage of kids that
fall under the category of faggy dickhead cock knuckles can go sit on their

grand portion of our student body consists of the foreigners. They come from lands far and wide and usually
reside in Adirondack hall. Several places they originate from include Japan,
China, Sri-lanka, the Caribbean, various African nations, and other countries
that whose names I cannot even begin to pronounce let alone knew existed. These students tend to congregate amongst
their fellow citizens because it is easier to communicate and possibly make fat
jokes in their own native tongues. The
Japanese and Chinese are funny little people that wouldn’t hurt a fly and are completely
harmless. Most have poor dental
structure, black hair, are short in height, and about 90% wear glasses. It is lucky, but not uncommon to run into a
sexy Asian girl on the way to class or at the Sun Downer as they are not as
prevalent as one would like. It seems
almost impossible that some of these kids pass school, because if you try to speak
with them or watch them give an oral report, their feeble grasp on the English language
shines through. Although most have a
decent understanding of the English language and can speak it fluently, there
is a select population that cannot. I
was paired with one of these people for an oral presentation and I am still
convinced he didn’t know what we were talking about or even what class we were
in. Also, on a walk to Hawkins hall I
spotted two young Asian boys wearing “Uggs” with their jeans tucked in,
typically a female fashion. Now I cannot
blame them because this seems like an Asian thing to do, and I assume their
feet were probably very comfortable, but any American male caught wearing these
would probably get the shit beaten out of them. The Caribbean population at
Plattsburgh, generally from Trinidad and Tobago are very cool cats. They are dark in skin tone and generally
indulge in marijuana smoking. They tend
to be rather funny, some rocking dread-locks, and speak with an amusing island
accent that never fails to crack a smile.
The Sri-lankan folk, talk with an almost telemarketer- Indian accent combined
with their own island dialect, which is quite amusing. In general, the majority of the foreigners I
have interacted with or have gotten to know are very peaceful and morally
righteous people that are rather comical to be graced with my presence.

is also a large black population, many from different parts of the world or New
York, but I have neither the time nor energy to open that can of worms.

townies that attend the university are small in number, but do not go unnoticed. Many of the kids from the area either attend
the local Clinton Community College, stopped their education after high school,
attend Plattsburgh, graduated from college and live in town, or have gone away
to school. Many of the kids that
remained in the area and do not associate with the college crowd generally hold
negative feelings towards the college kids and view them as frat-boy douche bags
that start fights at the bar. The
townies that do attend Plattsburgh State tend to have many P-State cronies and
are not as intolerant as the local high school graduates, this gives them value
to the college kids. They know the
streets well, all the good shops, and have the bonus of not only collegiate
connects but local ones as well. Basically
they’re the shit either way you slice it.
I could go in more depth on the subject but I digress.

The remainder
of the students are from surrounding locations, usually 2-7 hours away, or are
from neighboring states. These kids are
generally pretty normal, average teenage kids that like to have a good
time. They differ in details such as: hometown
size, religious beliefs, childhood experiences, knowledge, and other variables that
bear no relevance on this article. Some
are hipsters that throw house parties with Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap and nitrous
tanks in the basement, and some are bro’s that slam Four Loko and have the sole
objective of getting a piece of tail on the weekends, and everything in

are only select groups of people that I chose to focus on and I could go 10
more pages in depth on other niches here at Plattsburgh State. It’s
nothing short of entertaining to watch all these people learn to live with one
another. Although fights are common and disputes run rampant there are more good
times shared than bad ones. The majority
of these people I have known to love, live, chill and party with and I wouldn’t
have it any other way.